Charachter Growth

So I wanted to just say I'm proud of myself. Over the past year I've done a lot of changing and over the past few weeks I've made some huge leaps. I've accepted my flaws. I am mentally and at times physically abusive and even though it is a product of my PTSD and the abuse I suffered I am the only one who has the choice to end the cycle and say I may not be able to always control the anger but I can control what I use it for. I cant keep saying "oh I asked them to leave the room just because they didnt leave and kept yelling I had the right to hit them" No I didnt I just didnt it dosent matter what someone says to me I dont have the right to do that and I cant take back all the times I've done that and I cant say I wont ever get to that point again but I can say from now on I will always try to take a higher ground. I refuse to let this anger control me and I refuse to continue just making excuses right now I am promising myself to always do whatever it takes to force myself to run, walk, jog, or swim any physical activity that will cause me pain but in a healthy way, anytime I'm angry instead of hurting myself and others in a bad way I'm gonna burn calories til my body burns! 💪

I've accepted the fact I absolutely hate myself and that I have to love myself if I ever wanna truly be happy because I am tired of hating myself. I am tired of living In my stupid box of self loathing and regrets. That's why I am using my anger as a positive for myself it's a win win. I stop hurting people and maybe I'll lose wheight and start enjoying my body. I want to thank glow for helping point out some of the toxic things I've done I will say some of yall are brutal but in reality sometimes that's what someone needs is a big slice of "heres what the fucks up" also I am not in anyway religious but I think now that I'm getting myself better mentally that I will be blessed eventually. Maybe this is what mother nature was waiting for, for me to start working through some of my BS.

If anyone has any suggestions of anything I could physically do when I'm angry that would be super appreciative I am looking into punching bags and I may even see about getting those hand things (where someone holds them while someone else puts on boxing gloves and has to hit the targets as the other person movies them) and between having to focus on that and trying to talk I should be able to talk though some issues in a more stable way where I dont have to stop the conversation (which belive it or not causes worse anger than continuing because then I start feeling like a stew waiting to boil) but I also am not sure if that would be a good idea or not. I will say I am a loud person and I dont think it's wrong to expect my partner to understand the difference between me yelling and my "angry voice" and be able to accept that tone when I'm annoyed is it? like no (he/she/cousin it) shouldnt have to accept me yelling but I am a loud person in general and when I'm angry I raise my voice like most people and it can sound like someone yelling but it genuinely isnt me yelling and I cant hear it in my head I just sound lightly annoyed.