**PSA: May be be a trigger to some people!**

I am 9 weeks pregnant and I know with pregnancy hormones are kicking into high gear. With that being said my depression and self hatred has gone through the roof! I suffer from borderline personality disorder, along with manic depression and anxiety. I have all my life since I was the age of 13. I’m currently medicated right now (I know I’m not supposed to be but until I see my OB for my first appointment I refuse to get off of it until I know I personally will be okay). This week has been f**king rough y’all. I’m dealing with stress of work and being VERY sick through the first trimester and work being dicks about it all, as well as financial stability as we drained our bank account due to buying a house a month ago. My husband is so supportive and I love him to death. He knows how I’m feeling and helps out with whatever I need which is amazing. It doesn’t take away that aching pain in my chest and head though. This week I’ve wanted to hurt myself (which I haven’t as I’ve learned the coping mechanisms) and I just want to run away and I don’t want to do this pregnancy anymore. Everyone tells me that I’ll be fine, which I know I will. I just absolutely need the reassurance that I shouldn’t feel guilty for how I’m feeling. I feel SO guilty for not wanting the baby anymore or even thinking about it because it’s a blessing and my husband and I are so very exciting. With COVID and everything it’s hard to go out and do stuff anymore as I don’t want to risk being exposed especially now. I want to run away and hide. I feel like a complete failure. I want to just give up. I catch myself being rude to other people, and just completely out of my character. I need some raw women to women reassurance that it’s okay to not be okay, because I’m not okay. I don’t want to be mean, but I do NOT want to hear “you’ll be okay just hang in there” because I know I will be okay. I want to know that I’m not alone and any advice that other women have gone through and what has helped them. Any women out there who can give me advice and help me through? 🥺