It's been almost a year and I still cant call what happened to me for what it is. October will be 1 yr since I lost my virginity because i drank way too much and my friend's friend slept with me. I dont remember it happening, but I know it did because I was sore the next day and I was told we had fucked. I was planning on saving myself for marriage...it hurts me every day that something so precious to me was just taken away. I didnt know this person, but I thought I was safe because he was good friends with my friend and I thought "my friend isn't going to bring someone bad around me". I still feel like it's my fault. Then on top of it I got into a relationship with someone very fast after that. I was with him for 6 months and looking back it was toxic to begin with. He verbally, emotionally, and mentally abused the shit out of me. I became such a shell of a person. But that's another long story that I'll probably vent on another time. Anyways we broke up inApril, but then still fucked here and there afterwards. Then about two weeks ago he embarrassed me in front of my work place and also "jokingly" told me he would beat my ass and that I belong to the streets all because I couldn't give him the drink he had order cuz our machine broke. I told him to just come back the next day. I was mad again at him and decided to not talk with him. A week later one of the guys I met on tinder wanted to meet up and I was like okay sure yeah so we met up and were doing nos which if you dont know what it is, it's like taking helium but the high and the effects last longer. He also had brought a friend with him which I thought was weird since I thought it would just be us but I didnt think to much about it but I should have. Well the plan was we were to just get high off this stuff and him and I would fuck cuz we are fwb kind of thing ( which is something prior to breaking up with my ex and prior to the October event that I never ever would have even consider...I hate who I am now ☹). But after we were done fucking we kept getting high and at one point my body just felt so numb and I didnt feel like I was in control anymore. I got really confused and got back in the car because I thought we were leaving, but my fuck buddy left the car and his buddy came in a fucked me. I wasnt suppose to be fucking him. I remember being confused and at times thinking it was my fuck bud but then i finally came too enough and realized what was going on. I didnt do anything to push him off tho and i feel like the dumbest person in the world. Like who does that. ughh i just laid there letting him fuck me while I just tried to think of something else instead of what was going on. I hate myself foreverything. People tell me it's not my fault but I dont believe them. I hate what I feel like I've allowed my self to be put through. I hate fighting back anxiety attacks cuz I'm having flashbacks to bad things happening to me. I feel so worthless and just so fucking stupid. I really dont know what to do with myself anymore. I feel so shitty all the time. There's so much morei want to say but its pretty late where I'm from so I'm probably just going to leave it at this cuz I'm very tired. I'm just hurting so bad and I dont know how to heal. I'm craving my self harm behaviour all over again.😭😭