Good morning ladies.

Im having a hard time right now with just about everything going on in my life. My relationship is falling apart and its left me feeling really empty. A little back story. Ive known my husband since 2005. We were friends crushing on one another secretly while in other relationships. When my relationship with my ex ended qe started to hang out. He came over once ro help me mount my TV and I never let him leave. That was February 2016. We moved in together shortly after that (July 2016 I moved into his parents house in the basement apartment). We got pregnant on the pill and hid it because his mother kept telling him you better not get this bitch pregnant. She didn't like me, and honestly even though she acts like she does i don't think she does even to this day. When i got pregnant thibgs slowly changed with our sex life. We never had sex. It was 18 months, when another man was trying to show affection and i was ignoring it, before we had sex again. At tjat point it was a few times a month. After we had our faughter he started to not like my flaws. (I'll show a picture of what I look like when im not pregnant). He didn't like my boobs lost most of the "meat" on the top and that my hips didn't dip anymore and tjat I had small stretch marks on my pubic area. Even though I have none no where else. The lack of affection was really, ans atill, really does affect me. I have severe anxiety and panic disorder alongside addiction and depression.

Well anytime there is an arguemnt he gets so angry even if im just trying to talk. He yells and screams ans breaks things, and i get tokd that its my fault because no one can talk to me (unless I agree theb im unable to be talked to is how j feel) and tnat i push him to tjat point. Not tjat its not good behavior or anything like yjag but just tjat I pushed him to tjat point.

*pardon my spelling errors

So I've wanted to try therapy along with keeping our conversations private, including away from his mother. We live qigh his parents as i mentioned and I feel like she always sodes with him, because she IS HIS mother. I asked him not to tell her what's going on and when we talk to sit down and start talking calmly, not try to talk after one of us is upset ober something.

Well when we argue if I want to vent to my friends im not allowed to. Hes very private. So after awhile I stopped ventint to my friends ans asked him to stop relaying our stuff to his mother. Well the other day we had an argument and that night I oberheard him telling his mother. I was really upset. Now I don't have any family I could vent to, which is his excuse. Thag its family. My mom died 2 years ago thisApril. I have no oyher family that im close with. So I would vent to my friends of 20+years. So after he went and told his mom and came upstairs I asked him why he was venting to her after i asked him not to relay our conversations. And he just said well I told her im.done. Thag we will be civil, stay married, continue living together vut im going to sleep qigh anyone I want. He and I had talked in the past about him wanting to do some 3 some bevause he felt like he didn't really get to sleep around like Idid. 🙄. I agreed with rules but then qe finally concieved the baby HE asked to have.

Yesterday was our 2 year wedding anniversary and we were laughing.and spending time together and it was great. But he can't even see how hurt I am. I will not hear leavw him and ao forth. He really is an amazing man, an absolute amazing father too. But he has anger issues beyond even what I have. I dont even know how to start talking to him about how this is affecting me. Im barely sleeping, im depressed, waking up in a pure anxious state.

And you know where all this comes from? I guess because I use my phone while watching my daughter im not paying attention to her and im a lazy bitch. I personally believe if she's happy, healthy, fed, clothes, bathed, etc tjen I am doing a good job. I did lose my older kids because I made a huge mistake and when my ex of 8 years and I split ahen I was pregnant with my oldest daughter I slipped and used twice. I've said to him I know wjat I'm doing because I did raise two kids. And im just told i raised them wrong and I lost them anyways. Like in this house the wife needs to be a 100% homemaker, cook, maid, and watch the kids without any yome for herself. I even get crap for napping with my daughter. The thing is I was never yjat type of person and he knew that. When we got married he started wanting me to be more and more a housewife and honestly it wouldn't bother me if it was just us and the kids. But im also cleaning up after hus parents and such. He works odd jobs so he's mainly home with us but if he wants to do what he wants thats normal, if i wabt to its not.

I feel we'd be so much happier and better off living somewhere else just as a family. But when I've brought it up it never gets talked about.

Ladies how do I get him to communicate with me? What can I do to help fix and keep this relationship without giving up who I am? Like I said, im not leaving. I just eant some support and positive suggestions.

Thanks for reading this ridiculously long post too.