I’ll try to make this long story short...

My fiancé and I have been together for over five years now, and have a three-year-old son. He has known since we’ve gotten together that I wanted a big family, and he always agreed with that family plan until our son was born. Then he said he didn’t want any more kids. I asked him why, and he said that the financial strain and stress of us not being ready for our surprise son was too much for him. I told him I understood that and that maybe we could wait until we were more settled down, had a house, steady employment, and were financially ready to even think about having another baby. We both agreed that that was a good idea, and that was the best decision for our family.

So almost three years later we have all of that and then some. The other day I brought up the idea of having a baby again, and he was again hesitant about it. So once more I asked him why and he said it’s just very anxiety inducing to have another child. We talked over why he felt like that and he stated that he wanted certain things before we thought about having another kid. He wanted a security system, a family friendly vehicle and to start a food pantry (the whole Covid thing made him want that last one). I agreed that those were some really good ideas so we actually did that: we got approved for a new vehicle, picked out a security system, and are starting our food pantry. He said he was good with trying now. So we started trying for a baby my last cycle.

Well, last night that all fell apart. He came out and stated that he felt trapped into a corner because one time (I don’t remember when) I said that I would never feel complete or happy without at least one more child. He said he was afraid that I was going to leave if he kept turning me down, but that he truly does not ever want another kid, ever. He said that he feels very uncomfortable with the fact that we tried that cycle, and he said he feels used in a way. By me. He said it brought him so much anxiety that he almost feels scarred by it. How freaking terrible is that???

I’m shocked. Disgusted with myself. I can’t really fully explain it but it makes me feel so gross in my own body that he feels like that.

I’ve never been pushy about it and only asked those two times in nearly three years. I’ve never made it an ultimatum, never threatened to leave over it. I’d never do that to him - that’s completely manipulative and messed up to do to someone. I did say once that I’d never really feel complete as a one and done but I NEVER said that I’d leave, hate him, be angry at him, etc. I just always try to be communicative and honest about our feelings, wants, desires, etc. I was just trying to do that without forcing anything at all. Just expressing my feelings... I seriously never tried to force anything. I even told him specifically that I didn’t want to do this unless he was REALLY okay with it and I also specifically said I don’t want to make him feel like he has to. He said we can try now that those variables were taken care of. So we did.

I can hardly even be mad at him. His parents were pretty abusive, neglectful and are not really a part of his life to this day. He said that’s why he’s scared of another child because he believes that’s why his parents ended up like that. That they took on too many kids (5 kids!!). I don’t know why he couldn’t communicate that to me before.

I feel so awful because I’m pretty sure I am pregnant. And now I feel so lost, heartbroken and uncomfortable in my own body. I’m getting some tests now so I guess we will find out. He said we will be okay and figure everything out regardless but I don’t know if I can keep going now that I know he feels that way about what happened. We were supposed to get married September 12th and now I don’t even want to do that. I just hate myself and I’m kinda mad because I feel like he lied to me over and over again to keep me from leaving, which I said I wouldn’t do anyway.

Should I just leave?