It’s like it got so much better while also getting worse

I suffered from a depressive episode that lasted about 2 months... during that time I struggled with suicidal impulses.

Not just thoughts... but intense urges to the point where I felt compelled.

I spent 3 days praying and turning to God to uplift me... and I had the 3 most productive days I’ve had in a while (probably not productive by anyone else’s standards but I’d been literally laying down for weeks).

At the close of the third day, though, something happened. I began spiraling... it started with a panic attack and ended with plans of taking my own life over the course of the next 20-some hours... I reached a point where I felt like I was being ripped apart and I frankly got to a point where I didn’t know if I’d survive myself.

Suddenly, though, almost exactly 24 hours later I started to be able to think straight again. Like I came out of a fog.

Sometimes I feel like the closer I get to the light, the deeper the darkness I enter.