6 days and still no word from LO’s Dad

Warning: long post. And when I say he or him I’m talking about LO’s dad

So I’m posting here bc it’s hard to fully express what I’m going thru with my friends and family. I’m afraid of the judgement, or really how I’d handle it I guess. So my LO is now 10 months old as of the 19th. And she is my entire world!! Her dad has been off work since the end of March due to the Corona virus, and I’m a SAHM for now. So that means we’re both at home all of the time. I thought because he’s home that he would help out with household chores and/or the baby. I’m so tired and run down every single day after cleaning up after him and his 16 year old son (who has 0 responsibilities btw) and then the baby. Plus I’m the one who is with the baby doing EVERYTHING!! He’ll interact with her for maybe MAYBE 15-20 a day. And that’s usually bc I come to him with the baby. He doesn’t ever come to check on us, or offer to help do anything with her or me. He sits outside and drinks his beer and smokes his cigarettes. It’s disgusting. It’s gotten to the point where I’m just so depressed bc I feel so alone. Alone in the relationship and alone being a parent.

Of course I express this to him. But you never know if he’s going to be drunk or sober. He’s drunk more than he is sober anymore. So then it’s like I can’t and won’t ask for him help bc I’m not putting my child thru that.

The other day I talked to him about why he doesn’t want to be involved. He said “it’s bc she’s (the baby) a mommas girl, you breastfed, she has a connection with u bc U have boobs”. Mind u I haven’t breastfed since December!! That set me off bc it’s the DUMBEST EXCUSE I’ve ever EVER heard!!! Like wtf?!?! R u kidding me?!?!?!?! So yea I snapped out and pretty much told him if I wanted to be a single parent then that’s what I’d do, but yet I sit here and wait and wait for him to step up and change. But he’s not. So last Sunday I went inside the house and packed me and the baby up. As much as I could fit into my car and we’re now staying with my family an hour away.

He hasn’t tried to contact me ONCE. But yet I talked to his friend and his friend said all he does is talk about me and the baby like he misses us and wants us to come back. Ok then? Why can’t he express this to me? Why can’t he go get the help he needs for his drinking so we can be a family? I was raised in an alcoholic household and I promised myself before the baby was even born that I wouldn’t let her live the same life I lived growing up. And I told him that too many, many times.

I want to talk to him. I want things to be good again, bc there was a time where he did care about me, the baby, and himself. At this point he doesn’t even care about himself. He doesn’t shower for a week at a time. He sleeps on the couch. And like I said he’s outside sitting by himself all day everyday. He doesn’t eat when he drinks. He just doesn’t care. I just don’t get it. I know alcoholism is a slippery slope, but I just don’t know how to help him. So my last try to make him change was for us to leave. But it hasn’t been easy being at a house that isn’t baby proofed. And being away from all of her things that make my life easier and make hers more comfortable. But if I go back now then I know nothing will change. He won’t change. He’ll think, oh she’s back, she’s fine. And he’ll act like nothing ever happened. I have so many mixed emotions bc I’m proud of myself for doing what I’m doing but I’m hurt beyond belief that he hasn’t checked up on his daughter. And that he hasn’t tried to make amends. How can u go 6 days with no words?! Alcohol is the devil. If it wasn’t for that then our lives would probably be okay. But it seems that the alcohol is priority now. I need more baby food/ formula/ clothes/ clothes for me/ personal products... I don’t have money to go buy all new things but I’m afraid if I go back to get more things we need then he’s going to try to talk to me then and I’ll cave in and stay. I don’t know what to do. I do still love him bc I know who he is without the alcohol. But I know I also want and need him to change. So I have to just keep strong and stick it out... but for how long? 😢

If you made it thru all of this mess that is my current life lol then thank you for reading. I just needed to get it out. I know in my heart I’m doing the right thing for my baby and that’s all that matters for now. Now to try and get some sleep before the baby wakes up...

Pic of Miss. Lilly, my beautiful happy girl, my reason for living ❤️❤️❤️k