I wish I could share. TW, maybe.

This is pregnancy #3 for me, back to back.

I wasn't ready for the first, let alone trying to wrap my mind around what life's become.

My heart aches for the women trying and struggling with infertility. You deserve it more than I have.

I was getting myself back in school, I told him I was putting my baby fever on the back burner so I could become a better and more fulfilled person. I had been begging him for us to start a family for five years. Guess who changed their mind when I changed mine?

I was drunk, and he played it out like I'd be super mom for doing it all at once.

30% chance of it happening the first try, right? I figured it wouldn't happen, but he's two now.

Months went by, and I still wasn't in school, I had nothing, but id had given birth. Breastfeeding, despite having wanted to be a formula mom. (Little did I know that was in part so he'd have less to do with baby, and wouldn't give me any breaks)

A few months of "momming" and breastfeeding... I get accepted into my program, ask him to bring back his pullout game. His response "we'll deal with whatever"

Pregnant again, due at the start of my program I'd been accepted into. Scratch that. (The schooling, obviously)

Skip the details, she's born and I agree to another pregnancy, because he swore he'd treat me better than my last, and I had a lot of resentment on my last pregnancy.

Now he's gone. He needs to "work on himself". And I'm half way through my third pregnancy, devastated and crying every day. It's worst than that last pregnancy we were supposed to make up for.

I feel absolutely miserable and feel no bond with this baby (nor did I until birth with my second), I just want it over, and I feel so much guilt hoping this little one made the most out of the rough I've given.

I'm so upset, I'm having kids a decade sooner than I wanted. That I had lost my thoughts for 5 years and wanted his babies. That I put my head back onto my shoulders and I feel like I've been trapped.

My heart hurts and I just need this off my chest. I love my kids with all my heart, but I'm not the mom I wanted to be for them, I wasn't ready. I wish I would have had the joys that some of you have had on your conceiving journeys, and that I wish I could share (give away) the experiences I got. Now I can't turn back, they're such perfect little humans, but I am so miserable with the circumstances.

Sad.