I’m not ready to try for our rainbow 🌈

I thought I was ready. We lost our son in a traumatic way at 14weeks. He would’ve been due 10 days from now. But I’m not done grieving him nor am I done beating myself up. I have been with my SO since we were 16, and we havnt ever really had time to just focus on ourselves and be independent since our whole lives have always been about eachother. I don’t feel ready to try for another baby even though that’s all I’ve wanted for two years. I don’t feel ready to be a mom. I don’t feel ready to be independent and focus on me. I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know how to take care of myself or put myself first or have the will to do so. I want to grow up. I want to be ready to be a mom, someday. I want to love myself. I don’t want to get pregnant because I’m trying to fill a void that I only saw was there when I lost my son. My SO feels the same. But we don’t know where to start. We’ve always put all our energy into the relationship we don’t even know how to just be ourselves. We want so bad to focus on us and take some time to become happy and love ourselves before we bring kids into this world but we don’t know how. He’s always provided for me financially and I’ve always taken care of him emotionally. I’ve always just done things for him like cleaning and cooking and laundry and paying bills and be his therapist. He’s always taken care of me by driving and going into stores and working, and catering to my sensitive needs. We want eachother to grow and be happy. We love eachother so much we just want to support eachother though this process and not just do it for eachother like usual. We are eachothers balances but we know we can’t go on like this. We know we need to start looking after ourselves and loving ourselves and putting ourselves first but we honestly never learned how. I’m scared to be uncomfortable. We both are. We’re both scared that if we start being independent in different ways we will lose eachother some how. I’m tired of fear ruling my life.