Keep this in mind I’m 18.

So I’m a massive over thinker, and well I’ve been through hell and I was abandoned by my own father at 5 years old well I can tell you that fucked me up really good. I’m now 18 and I’m insecure as fuck. Im complicated as hell. I don’t let anyone in. my walls are up 99% of the time. I have massive trust issues and well I over react A lot. Now please if your gonna write negative shit please keep it to yourself. Just looking for advice and people that do this to and to see how they cope with it.

Now my boyfriend and I have been dating for a while and I tend to push him away a bit but he does the same with me sometimes.

But see I overthink mostly everything. But something that no one knows Is that it’s really hard for me to open up to people when I try to I basically run away from it I avoid it. And that I’m terrified of the part repeating itself. I am so scared of getting hurt again. For two years my ex emotionally and mentally abused me. And I only realised it recently. I can tell you that it damaged me badly. I have depression and anxiety and I tend to have mental break downs few days every week. I can’t really control my emotions I’ll cry at the smallest stuff but I have mood swings and I’m just all over the place. But I need advice of how to stop pushing him away and how to stop feeling so terrified. Now please don’t tell me to go to therapy or talk to him. I’ve tried both and it did nothing.