No baby at 11 week ultrasound

This is really hard. I felt invincible because I’m young and healthy and I have a perfect 18 month old already. I don’t know all the details until tonight when I can get to talk to the OB, but the tech didn’t let me see the screen, had to do a transvaginal after the abdominal, and then told me that she thinks it’s either a failed pregnancy or a fetal demise. She said there’s a sac and it’s disintegrating, I’ve had spotting the last few days so that’s it I guess. No fetal pole. I’m suppose to be 11 weeks and there’s not even a fetal pole.

I’m angry that I had to wait this long to find out that there’s no baby at all. I suffered for three months for nothing. I had nausea and exhaustion and I was almost through the first trimester and I’m so so upset.

I’m disappointed that my perfect dream of having kids 2 years apart is shattered. I was going to have a second April baby and now if I’m lucky I’m sure it won’t be until next august or September at the very least.

I’m embarrassed that we told so many people. Why was I so dumb to think that this would be a healthy pregnancy? I wasn’t worried this time about miscarriage, I lifted my son and heavy groceries, I don’t get enough sleep, I ate deli sandwiches, what if I caused this?

I’m scared of what’s to come. I have to expel the pregnancy still right? When can I try again? Stuff I’ll ask tonight...but I’m scared. Scared of trying again. Scared of going through the whole first trimester again.