Venting, comment pls?

So I cry almost every week or even everyday depending on how I’m feeling. I feel so lost and tired.

UNDERSTANDING MY PRIVILEGED:

I have so much. I have a home, a parent, and a caring boyfriend, I have a job, I’m not living super comfortably but I’m not super poor. I’m so grateful for the things I have and at times it slips my mind. But why do I feel like this?

FEELINGS:

Why do I still feel like I’m not good enough or broken. I’ve fought with myself. And I contradict myself; along with being so indecisive. I also have a lot of moments where I wake up look at myself in the mirror and hate what I look at... I hate the way I walk, stand, talk, and shape. I hate everything...down to the last nerve in my body. I live in the 21 century and we are breaking so much “beauty standards” and yet I still feel like me having a belly is still something people don’t want to see... I see so much beautiful girls, in all different shapes and sizes fitting/ rocking their body’s. I wish I was more curvier, “thick” or I wish I was just skinner to begin with. I wish my face was slimmer and my eyes are bigger...I wish my stomachs was flatter/ more muscular, I wish I didn’t have to be so self conscious.

Contradictions:

People would obviously say just work out, go on a diet, do things that make u happy. But it’s so much harder in my head. I try and try...but even if I was being productive or not; it’ll never feel enough... It makes me frustrated and sad because no one understands. It’s so painful doing things that makes me happy and it kills me not doing things at all. I feel so unmotivated but Im tearing myself a part not doing anything. I’m getting fatter and I can do something about it but my brain is telling me other things to hold me back. And people would tell me, “it’s my fault”. And they are right.

I also feel like I can’t control myself. I feel like I can breath. My mind spirals and I’m so afraid that I’ll never be able to control myself again. No one understands and it’s my fault. Right? Because I don’t know.

Pls comment :) I want to know if anyone one understands, idk how to put everything that I’m thinking into words and I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense.