TW murder, dismemberment, turmoil.

I need to write this somewhere.

I live in Canada.

I'm actually in a lot more anguish than I thought I'd be. I'm re thinking everything.

I've wanted to be a police officer since I was 15, I am now 29. There had been some problems with me not getting my highschool diploma until last year, which is why it took me so long, regardless of my college diploma.

I also met my boyfriend, well I guess my ex boyfriend as of today, last year. We had dated for a year and 5 months.

That's the back story.

January this year he told me why his older brother went to prison when they were younger, and why he himself had been deferred from police for life. His brother murdered someone, stabbed them in the heart. Then not long after getting released for that, his brother was then caught cutting up a dead body red handed by police.

This was all a while ago, like 12-19 years ago.

I felt like I ate a brick, because I was currently already in my application process for police, and they already knew about my boyfriend. I knew they'd discover his brother, so I wanted to come forward, told them what I had just found out.

My bf was not on good terms, nor friends with his brother. They are complete opposites. He also told me his brother ruined his life for a long time having to live with what his brother had done.

Now cut to May of this year. After a 6 hour long PDI (personal disclosure interview) I ended up getting deferred for 2 years (was told to reach out in one year and they might lift it), and told to re evaluate my relationship. This means to break up with him, the man who was starting to be the the potential love of my life. Our relationship was so easy, playful, similar morals and values, caring.. someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. That's not something I've had before. And now I had to choose between my dream career, and him.

Unfortunately, this isn't a romcom. I basically tripped at the finish line for my career. My education, experience, all leads to a career as an officer. Those are currently my skill sets. So I told him that I'd have to try again, I needed to give myself a real shot at my dream career.

So today, I told him that I loved him, kissed him, and let him go. I broke both of our hearts. Who knows what the future holds, and perhaps we'll be able to find eachother again. He understands, but he is still hurt as well. I'm currently not handling it well at all. Idk if I've made the worst mistake of my life, or if we can get past it once I've been hired potentially.

I'm not trying to plan for that. Because technically I'm not allowed to. I need to pass a polygraph, and I told him to continue on with his life. Who knows what will happen by May next year when I can apply again.

The reason I waited till now to pull the trigger was because he moved an hour away for his career, social work, to make it easier. He knew it was going to happen .. we discussed this back in January.

I'm just really sad. My heart is broken. I'm going to give myself some time.. I feel like I ripped off a piece of myself.. he was my best friend, and my love...

If I can't handle this, I'll probably end up derailing my first choice of career and try to figure something out. I feel like I'm too old to start a new career, especially while wanting kids, etc. I just don't want to feel like a failure or have any resentment.

There's more details.. but that's the summary. I just needed to share what I'm struggling with. No one I know, knows what to tell me, or have had to experience a similar problem like this.

Anyways, thanks.