My dad is in jail (because he’s guilty & committed a crime) this isn’t one of those posts where I’m trying to defend his innocence (he’s definitely not innocent) both of my parents are drug addicts. I haven’t had a relationship with my mother in about 8 years. She’s extremely violent and manipulative. My dad IS a good guy. He just never grew up & matured. He’s the dad that wants to be your friend but lacks at absolutely everything else (not great when you’re a kid who just needs some type of discipline) My parents were never around so I did whatever I wanted. I grew up pretty quickly. Moved out when I was 15. The cops had to come & allow me to leave because my mother had beaten me.

Honestly none of that even matters now. I just wanted to give some context to our dynamic. My dad is homeless and his crimes are related to that kind of. Burglary & things like that. (Not defending it, its absolutely not okay) this time he’ll probably be in there for a while.

I live a pretty normal life. Happily married, great kids.. stable. But I have horrible anxiety. It keeps me awake at night and I KNOW I’m being irrational but I can’t make it stop.

My birthday is close and I’m absolutely dreading it because I’ve convinced myself my dad is going to be killed in jail on my birthday. (Last time he was in jail he got jumped by 6 guys and he was in pretty bad condition) so that’s where that fear is coming from but I know it more than likely won’t happen. Then my other fear is, even if he’s not killed on my birthday he’ll get COVID and die. (He’s an addict, has hep and his liver is horrible. He’s yellow....)

I’ve always favorited my dad over my mom. He tried a little more than she did. I wasn’t very nice to him the last time we spoke. I said what needed to be said but I don’t want him to think I hate him. I HAVE to set strict boundaries with him for the sake of my kids. I don’t regret that but it still sucks. Man I wish he’d just do better. He’s the one who committed the crime and I’m here unable to sleep crying my eyes out because I feel bad. My kids adore him... they hate not seeing him. It’s been about a year since he has really gotten to see them.. I just can’t let someone who is strung out around them 😔

Also, yes I have tried absolutely everything to help him get clean. I’ve bought him clothes, shoes, food.. he just straight up says he doesn’t want to be clean. I can’t force it... that’s why we fought last time. I was so heartbroken that he was literally verbally & physically choosing drugs over us. I’m in my 20s & it still hurts so much

Thank you to those who read this far.. I can’t really talk to many people about this