Am I a crappy wife?

Question

Bubs is 8 weeks old and for the last few weeks I have felt unusually resentful towards DH. I am on maternity leave until the end of the month and staying home aside from grocery pickup every 2 weeks due to the pandemic. DH works night shift and tells me all the time he can’t wait to get home to spend time with us yet when he does get home it’s straight to the PlayStation or leaving to turkey hunt. I know these activities are outlets to him and stress relievers but he is my only form of adult conversation and it’s frustrating when I can’t have a conversation with him when he’s home because he’s talking to his buddies online. The other night LO was inconsolable and I was feeding him while DH was in the shower and the dog started ripping something up at the other end of the house. It all just got to me and I started crying and DH said I had been hostile towards me. What is going on? Is this normal?

Answer

You are not a crappy wife! This is normal. Learning to navigate life with a newborn is so hard and I feel like men are so clueless. My husband will do tasks for me all day but when it comes to spending time together and a having real conversations and physical affection, that's harder. I'm kind of stuck on the couch and my husband gets bored so he's always in front of a screen. We went out yesterday and he was on his phone the entire time in the car and at the place we went to 🤷‍♀️
Its hard but you have to keep communicating. Ask.him to turn the game off because you want to talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling and what you need from him. This is a hard transition but it's not the end, and if you guys can work through this you'll be stronger on the other side.
Also don't be afraid to try couples counseling! It's so important and helpful to navigate this new territory.

Answer

I want to normalize your feelings. Men are not raised the same as women and the oppressive constructs surrounding the inequity in marriages get a giant spotlight after kids. I work in a field where gender is my speciality. So men are raised in a manner where the family system revolves around them (subtly of course) and women are raised to put others first as a means of love. Men are taught providing is love and that the provider is deserving of being cared for. Who takes care of the nurturer? Of course there are outliers to this scenario, but majority of the time this is the case. Women are taught a “tough shit” narrative that you still do your duties to the family even if you’re depleted because that is your value. Men are taught to self preserve. So babies get us real depleted and men go for the self preserve mode. Essentially selfishness. Men are reinforced by their own mothers that they are the center of the family to be revolved around. For example, women are taught young how to cook, do laundry, and clean their rooms. But this whole culture around boys being rowdy and these creators of messes that need to be cleaned up after (moms) tells boys that someone else is always there to get things done when they don’t. With babies it’s the perfect storm. Babies need moms more in the first year(s) of life and it gives men permission to self preserve and not prioritize others in the family. I think it’s a giant joke because women do need to be a little more selfish and men need to be a little less selfish, but we dance with opposing forces that doom us. Anyway, this is so common. I know many women feeling trapped after kids even to amazing husbands. They are stuck with this enormous weight that they are this primary parent who has to always be waiting to help or step in. Even if it’s as simple as being the one to always set up appointments or organize the clothes by age. Men don’t go into relationships with this attitude of oppressing their female partners, but they end up doing it because the core patterns in our society build men up at the expense of women starting in the family. All unconscious stuff, not purposeful.

Answer

It’s normal ha I was resenting my napping husband today while our toddler was napping and I was on the other couch nursing our babe. He also stays up late drinking some beer and PlayStation while I go to bed after clustering feeding all evening just to wake to nurse a few times a night. He gets to shower whenever he wants and not worry the babe will wake hungry while he’s in there. He gets to exercise whenever and not worry babe will wake hungry while he’s mid workout and super sweaty and not be able to shower for hourssss or possible the next day 😅 it’s not fair. I also don’t remember the last time I sat down to eat a hot meal unless he made it for me and sometimes he just whips up tator tots or cereal.

Answer

Totally normal! It gets better when you have other humans to talk to. The isolation that comes with being a stay at home mom is debilitating. 
With my first I was able to connect to local moms and go to mommy and me classes; but with COVID I’ve been trapped in the house with a toddler since March, and now the baby. Who sleeps about 1.5-2 hours a night. 
Hostile towards my husband is an understatement. He, thankfully, understands and lets me verbally abuse him without much more fuss than an eye roll. I don’t mean to, but again, not talking to other humans is not how we are supposed to function. 
And I don’t wanna talk about my feelings towards my dog right now. 🥴😅
You got this mama. 🤍

Am I a crappy wife?

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