I don’t even know where to really start because my mind is all over the place along with my emotions right now. So, if anyone is reading this... please bare with me. This is definitely going to be a long post.

A few months ago I remembered a memory of my older brother forcing me or rather tricking me into performing a sexual act on him when I was a child(I believe he was around 13-14 and there’s 10 years between us).

The memory would resurface throughout the years but it was almost blurry? So I couldn’t really make out what was going on or didn’t know what exactly he was doing and would kind of shove it back down somewhere in my mind. Then when it resurfaced all these years later... it was clear and not blurry.... and I understood what was going on and what he was doing....

I struggled a lot with remembering it and am honestly still struggling.

I kept it in then finally open up to my cousin(she’s like my best friend) and then she helped me tell my mom and I felt better about it all. The memory started to get blurry again when I would think of it as well.

But then I had this horrible dream of us much older and of someone that kind of looked and sounded like my brother but at the same time wasn’t, trying to possibly rape me... I have no idea. All I really remember from the dream was me crying and yelling for someone to help me while he laughed and told me no one was going to come and save me or help me.

Now I feel in such a low place again because that dream had so much of an affect on me. Because after the memory resurfaced I started wondering if he did anything else to me that I don’t remember because I don’t remember a lot from my early childhood. I also wondered if he ever did anything to my older sister as well(there’s only three of us and I’m the baby).

We were super close growing up as well so my whole view of my big brother just completely got shattered and I was just there trying to figure things out and still sort of am figuring things out.

But then I thought I had sort of separated what had happened when I was younger because I wanted to be able to be in my nephews life and just deal with my older brother... but I don’t feel like I can and I hate it...

It’s bad that I’m having more of this break down when he’s legit coming in two days to pick up some of his old stuff and I was going to talk about something regarding my nephew.... but I don’t think I’m strong enough to even see his face let alone be in the same room with him...

He called me on my birthday a few weeks ago and I had a bit of trouble with that but not a lot so I really thought I was okay. But now I know I’m definitely not.

When he first planned to come my mom asked if that was okay and I said yeah idc and I still kind of don’t. But, I’m hesitant to tell her that I don’t think I’m going to be able to be around him. Or just not strong enough to do around him... idek. I just need some type of advice or guidance or something because I feel so lost....

(Another thing is because of having depression from a younger age then still struggling with it, I have a hard time figuring out my emotions or what I’m really feeling and I think that’s also not really helping what’s going with me currently...)