Should I post? 💭

I’ve written out the below over the past week as an overview of my journey of miscarriage and struggling to get pregnant.

I wanted to post it on my socials to show how much this baby really means to us and how much of a miracle they are but, I’ve never really told my family or friends about much of my journey (only my partner). I don’t think I’ve written it very well either.

Should I post or is it too much?

“This time of the year can be one of the hardest for those who have suffered from infertility or baby loss. The worst part is feeling as though you have to suffer in silence.

I’ve miscarried whilst sat in my first class of the day at college.

I’ve started miscarrying at work and stayed until the end of my shift.

I’ve miscarried 30 minutes after leaving a hospital and being told everything will be fine.

I’ve miscarried three times and none of them are any easier than the one before. I never really talked to anyone about what was going on during any of these times. Although miscarriage occurs to 1 in 4 women, the taboo around this topic leaves you feeling like you’re 1 in a million, being swallowed by grief and guilt all alone - leaving hospital with nothing except for a business card for a miscarriage charity. Your whole world feels like it changed in an instant; as quick as it did when those two pink lines appear on a pregnancy test, yet the rest of the world is exactly the same and you don’t quite know how to just carry on.

I’ve ruined relationships and friendships on this journey, missed baby showers and wished more times than I’d like to admit that I wouldn’t wake up the next morning. I felt guilt that my body couldn’t look after my baby and just do what it is supposed to do.

There’s been a lot of needles, pills, blood tests, ultrasounds and tears along this journey. In August 2019, I finally found out the reasons that I couldn’t ‘just’ get pregnant or maintain a pregnancy (PCOS, autoimmune disorder and bicornuate uterus).

This time with a treatment plan in place I’ve made it half way with a healthy baby and whilst I am still filled with anxiety every single day and panic about every ache or pain, I feel positive that this will be our miracle baby 💛”