Used and abused

I’ve been posting recently on here about my 10 year relationship that is emotional, physical at times and verbally abusive. We have a 19 month old. I know in the end what I need to do, I’ve been coming to terms with this and figuring it out silently. I like to come on here and get unbiased opinions. Yesterday Christmas eve. I’m working all day from home and watching our toddler. He wakes up around 130. Day was going good until he sits a drink on shoe stand and it falls over. He loses it starts screaming “ I hate this fucking house, I hate everything in it, f*** the holidays, f*** Christmas. Bitching about how the house is messy, toddler throws toys everywhere. So I’m still clocked in, I get up and start picking up some toys . He comes over and puts me in a headlock I reach down to hit the SOS button on my watch but had the wrong watch on. He lets go starts calling me fat and smelly. I start crying hard ruined all the makeup on my face, I beg him to seek therapy, counseling, I’ll go with him. He says “ if two people can’t figure it out we don’t need a third one” he doesn’t believe in counseling and I’m a huge advocate for it even if you haven’t been through trauma. That night he apologized. Next day, he stays awake till our child gets up to open gifts he goes to bed after around 8 am. I hadn’t had a chance to go grocery shopping so I went out in 10 degree Fahrenheit weather and scored us some Denny’s. I’m having the most magical happy day with my girl, it’s Christmas!!! He wakes up around 130 pm goes to the fridge. Bitches that there’s nothing to drink( I hadn’t gone grocery shopping yet cause I worked the day before and everything’s closed for christmas) he looks outside and says “ fuck this shit” and goes to the back room. Says in the worst tone “ we need fucking water in this house” he goes to the bathroom . I load our daughter up in this cold weather find an open gas station grab water and Mountain Dew. When I get back he acts like nothing happened in a good mood. Later on that day he comes up behind me and try’s touching me, grabbing my ass. I’m hesitant and trying to avoid him I have for months as he seems to find me repulsive and he says “ you better let me touch you” not aggressively but says it. I didn’t respond. It’s Christmas Day and I’m not trying to fight. Rest of the day was alright. Right now I’m giving my daughter a bath and he’s laying in the bed with headphones on. His mom calls he screams at her for bothering him and says” i have a kid and two dogs im trying to take care of and hangs up “ in reality I’m taking care of our kids and dogs while he relaxes. The puppy is in her cage for the hour I get my girl ready for bed, I walk out of the bathroom and the dog starts whining he walks up to the cage and kicks it says “shut the fuck it moxxi” I cover my girls ears and draw her attention else where. When I was a kid my mom smoked in the house and I had to go to elementary school snelling like cigarettes, I don’t smoke, never have. But I was always so self conscious going to school feeling like I smelled so when he tells me I smell( even though I’m a very clean person” I work full time and care for our child I occasionally forget to put deodorant on. It takes me back to my childhood fears. It hurts. Immensely. I’m scared he won’t want to see our precious daughter cause he will hate me when I leave. She loves him. But I chose happiness for her and for me. He is so angry from the moment he wakes up. Abs refuses to get help. I just needed to vent to people I don’t know because I’m a hard working momma with no friends. Thanks for listening

Here’s me and my girl