No Friends and It's becoming a burden. Rant

So every time I talk to people about this they never take me seriously. I always get memes or people roll their eyes.

So please, if you have nothing nice to say then move on to the next post 💜

So basically 5 years ago when I was 15 I left public school and transferred to online classes for high school. And just like when you graduate, everyone just stops talking to me. I lose all of my "friends". And I lived in the middle of nowhere with nowhere to go but my own bed because of my toxic living situation.

Fast forward about 2 years. I'm online and I met my now boyfriend and all kinds of other friends on the internet. I had no confidence, I was one of those girls who had an Anime profile picture and was shy of talking.

My friends and my boyfriend built me up. They put me on a fucking pedastal and gave me the confidence and ego that I never knew I had. I moved out of my toxic living situation and I started posting more pictures of myself on the internet and wore more girly clothes and more color. I even went as far as bleaching my hair and dying it various shades of pink and rose gold 🥴.

The point is that I became a bit full of myself. And before I knew it I had crowds of "friends". Yet it didn't take long for me to notice that none of my friends are women. And almost all of my friends are basically worshipping the ground I walk on until they get bored of the fact that i have a boyfriend. I never worried too much because as soon as one person left, two more would come.

Yet 2-3 years into it, I'm now 20. And honestly it's a bit draining. Every time i make a friend... It's a guy who promises that he just wants to be my best friend. And give it a couple weeks to around a month or so. And poof. They're fucking gone. Why? Because I didn't leave my boyfriend for them or send them tit pics.

So I'm actually at the point now of having anime profile pictures and not talking to people... Just like when I was 17. But for the opposite reason, I'm so tired of people seeing a pretty face instead of... Well. Me and My personality.

My family and my boyfriend of over 2 years have expressed concerns and frustrations to me about how I have no friends. No girl friends that I can go spend the weekend with. And no friends in general.

It makes me feel burdensome because everyone knows that if I'm not texting my boyfriend, then I'm literally just sitting in my room with my cats alone.

And I honestly don't mind that but it makes other people feel sad for me I guess.

My issue is that every time I try to tell people about this issue they send me things like the album "suffering from success" as a joke or they just don't take me seriously. I feel like when people look at me I'm just another pretty, high-maintenance, white girl who's got her head up her own ass. And isn't that just so unappealing? All the way up until I was 17-18 I was grunge and only wore black and dyed my hair every shade of purple possible. But purple only. And now if you look at my socials it's all... Pink and crop tops with short shorts. This stuff is still me. I'm still happy with me. And I still wear my grunge outfits every now and then. But I feel like my current self isnt good for attracting anything other than men who want some tits. But I don't want to change everything about myself just to have friends, yknow?

This is mostly a vent I suppose. But as a young adult I feel like having actual friends is important? Am I wrong? And am I the only lady out here who has felt this way?

Side note: I should add that I do see my boyfriend in person. He lives overseas and I fly out 6 months out of the year to stay with him. It's harder with covid restrictions but we still manage. And part of my frustration in this stems from the fact that my boyfriend has tons of friends and acquaintances. He always has someone who wants him to hop on a game or phone call to just hang out with him. And yet I can't seem to do that. And it adds fuel to the fire if I want someone to hang out with and he's busy with his friends. And he's not even being selfish because we hang out plenty, but it leaves me feeling down sometimes.

He's tried to introduce me to his group of friends whom I actually got along with at the start of our relationship when him and I were just friends. But ever since we started dating I've always felt a bit cut off from them. I always felt like they view me as his girlfriend instead of just me for who I am. Does that make any sense?

(I have had intense anxiety my whole life so this causes a lot of overthinking and nerves when it comes to new people)