So I was with a guy, he was my boyfriend and then I got pregnant. It was a hard thing for me because I had tried so many times in the past and never was able to get pregnant. So here I am finally pregnant and this jerk isn’t happy about it. I knew this so I said what should we do about it? We decided on an abortion because we didn’t want to hate one another. That should have given me all the proof I needed right? So I got the abortion and it was the hardest thing in the world for me. Grant it I know it was my decision but I felt like I had no choice in the matter, that it was entirely his choice. He set up the appointment and he paid.

Afterwards he took care of me that weekend and then the next weekend he was acting strange and I just knew it. So I asked what is going on? He said I just see you as a friend, it feels so good to get that off of my chest. I said really because friends don’t do what we did, friends don’t ask another person to move in and they sure as hell don’t have them stay at their house every weekend we had off, they also don’t take them out to dinner and pay for their food every single time. I asked if he did any of that with his guy friends and he said well no, I said see you have a warped sense of what a friend is. I said if we were friends with benefits I would have just had sex with you and left, I never would have stayed. You’re the one who said we were in a relationship, how much you loved me and wanted to be with me. His response was I never said those things and even when I showed him the proof, he still denied it.

So after all that he wants to take me to my doctors appointment to get my birth control I told him I didn’t need him and he shows up to my house anyway, also I lost one of my favorite masks and he text me saying I bought you a new one. I told him to cancel the order because I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I then blocked him on everything. However, here I am to deal with a loss that never truly existed fully, anger because I allowed someone to control what I did with my own body and hurt because I get to live with how I fucked up and feel terrible about myself.

I may sound like a terrible person but I wish him the worst in life for what he has done. You can judge me, I don’t care but I have to live with this everyday. I don’t need people to tell me what I did wrong so don’t even start. I will let you know the relationship ending did not hurt. It’s me left to pick up the pieces.

His plan all along because at first we were dating but I think he lost feelings and then he just wanted to play nice until I did what he wanted and then tell me his true feelings.

I swear I attract narcissists, cheaters, liars abusers, and scum. I am going to be 32 next month so I don’t need to hear oh just wait that person is out there, you will find them you’re still young. No, I just need help dealing with the negativity I’m feeling. I let myself down and now I need to find a way to come up from this.

Haunting dreams

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