TW: In September my grandmother died from terminal cancer. For 7 months I had been taking care of her because she was in a steep decline and couldn’t be left alone anymore.

On September 5th 2020 I sat on her death bed next to her, and I held her hand as she took her last breath.

I know everyone’s grandma dies, but I was extremely close to her. We lived with her a large part of my childhood, I spent summers with her growing up. So I was extremely close to her.

I watched the entire process of dying slowly and it made a massive impact on me in my opinion. Her death is what makes me want to work in hospice.

I did some reading and found out that when you die your brain releases a massive dose of DMT which is a dream chemical. We were all mourning her passing and hurting and she was probably time traveling in her coma.

She had 7 months of knowing she was gonna die, and I spent the majority of those 7 months one on one with her.

She was a devout Christian but we went into details of all the possibilities there are of what happens after you die.

I wonder if she’s in heaven, or like floating around in the cosmos like I told her to do lol. Or simply asleep in something called the “void”

The void is what we were in before we were born, it’s oblivion, peace beyond peace. And when we die we simply go back to it. -yeah we did a lot of reading together and googled stories from people who had died and came back. She was more than okay with dying, the only thing she was upset about was that she couldn’t drive her car because she had just bought a nice ass car before being diagnosed (I’m sorry I still find humor in that) like she was just ready to go and completely accepted it and was okay with it, so she would talk to me about it constantly. We would talk about death like it was a next meal, no big deal.

So as she was dying that day, I had a lot of peace in my heart. She was fine, we were the ones in pain.

I think about her every single day and I still have a whole life to live and need so much advice from her and I really tried to get as much advice and wisdom out of her but you can’t fit a life time into 7 months.

I simply just wonder what she’s up to. I wonder if she checks in on me, or if she’s somewhere where there’s things way more interesting to look at, or simply asleep.

That’s all, that’s all I needed to talk about