I’m just looking for support, here. I’m tired of peeing on stuff. I’ve completely crushed myself this week. My husband doesn’t really understand the gravity of it all. I showed him three positives, the next day, I had all negative, today i started bleeding. I know what I was carrying couldn’t work out; Mother Nature did her thing. I let my husband know. But I was laying down earlier this morning, I had put on a show and gotten my toddler a snack so I could curl up on the side of my couch and die a little bit, I’m cramping bad bad and meds aren’t kicked in yet. He said to me “aren’t you better today?” and kept going on about his psychiatrist appointment. Angry. I gently reminded him I’m going through a loss and he just said “oh.” Lookin stupid, he said this:

Then on the shows commercials a family with four grown boys comes on and he looks to me, says “FOUR BOYS?!!!!” like I’m not miscarrying and I’m still pregnant... I didn’t care the gender. Sure, give me another wonderful boy or three... I couldn’t help but bark back “maybe just one.” I’m fed up at this point. I’m almost in tears from everything.

But dealing with this loss seems so one sided. I had another loss in December. I was so eager to try again. My doctor told me that the chance of another was less than 3%. But what about the 50% of pregnancies that end up this way? Why are we built to feel ashamed? Why does it feel so one sided?

I’m going to hit the wine and chocolate tonight. Maybe watch some trash TV. I don’t know when I’ll be ready again. Idk if he’s just shooting me down or acting like it’s not a big deal because of grief. Maybe he just didn’t get it. He wasn’t wrecked with the testing process. He doesn’t have to bleed, cramp, and cry. He’s selfish. And I’m starting all over again. I don’t want to really. I’m taking a few months to rediscover who I am and maybe that his ideal family/his expectations of duties as a father are not one in the same. And that’s ok... some people need time to learn and grow.