Kind of Wanted to be Pregnant?

I just got into a relationship with someone and we just started having sex without a condom. I know, the pull out method isn’t a smart form of “birth control”. But every birth control I’ve ever taken has either messed me up mentally or physically. And condoms just don’t feel the same, which is a very stupid reason not to use them...I know. But because of this I recently had a pregnancy scare because my period was late.

I was stressed because I knew right now isn’t the time to have a baby. Our relationship just started on rocky territory, I’m not financially where I want to be in life, and I still have some things to heal from my own childhood before I can create someone else’s. I was BEGGING the universe to not be pregnant. But then I had a dream I had a baby and suddenly I was very in love with the idea of having a baby. I started watching little baby videos & pregnancy videos. I started thinking about if I did have a baby with my current boyfriend he would be a good dad and I would be a good mom. How I would raise them. How I would dress them. The names. Whether I wanted a boy or a girl. I started thinking about what life would be like if I had a baby. And then I would wake up to reality with contrasting thoughts about how I just turned 20 and having a baby would stifle my youth and my chance to have fun. Stretch-marks and getting fat. The financial EXPENSES. The terrifying process of actually giving birth. But these were soon outweighed by my daydreams of having a cute little baby of my own. So I decided if I was pregnant, I was going to keep the baby.

Eventually, I was tired of not knowing for sure and I got one of those early pregnancy tests. I took both of them the wrong way. I didn’t pee enough on the first one to get a test result. So I waited 20 minutes and peed on it again(you’re not supposed to do that). Negative. I dipped the 2nd one in the toilet bowl(you’re also not supposed to do that either🥴). Negative. Even though I took both of them wrong; I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant because I realized my period is just ‘late’ due to February having only 28 days. But I was surprised by my reaction. I wasn’t relieved. I was disappointed. It felt like all my daydreams just crashed into a hard, brick wall. I pretended to be happy about not being pregnant when telling my boyfriend about the negative results, but deep down inside I kind of wanted a baby. But right now just isn’t the time.