I (F21) miss who I was before the heart break

Hello everyone. I just want to vent and I was hoping you could give me some advice and your thoughts.

You ever feel like you were so, so different from who you were before all the heart ache? I have been feeling this way for a while now and today was the day I acknowledge my feelings.

My ex and I dated on and off for two years. When I met him, I was a college freshman who was cheerful and full of hope; also looking to give and receive love. Just like anything, things don't always go the way we want them to. The last break up I had with my ex was July 2020. I moved into my new apartment the next day and I felt alone and lonely for a while. Crying myself to sleep and all that. I hooked up with many different guys to feel validated, but that shit can get tiring too.

I had a few of those guys I hooked up with catch feelings for me. But I got so used to not having feelings or attachment at all because I felt so empty and numb that I had to stop seeing them. I still feel terrible but I wasn't in the situation or availability to date and get to know anyone.

It was great to hook up like a dude. No feelings, no attachment problems. But I got way too damn numb to the point where I am actually seeing a dude I really like, but I had to make a lot of effort to understand and convince MYSELF that I like him. We've been seeing each other for almost two months, yet I haven't been all so romantic as I was with my ex and other exes I've had. I talk to him like a friend, but in reality I really like him. I just can't bring myself to tell him directly because in my head, if I did tell him, whatever we have now will change and I know that change will be good, but I am still so scared and nervous to move forward to whatever it is.

What do you guys think?