Depressed

I have a child and I lost my rag. I didn’t hurt him or anything like that I just shouted at him and told him to go away as he kept playing up and I hadn’t been sleeping the past few days so have exhausted. I have suffered with depression and anxiety since I was around 13/14 and that has been kicking in the past month or so. Anyway because I was shouting at him my parents told me not to however if I tell them not to shout at my child I’m “making excuses” or not “putting him right” and that he’s going to “overrule me” however my child is just learning at the moment he’s almost 2 so I don’t shout at him often I normally just talk softly to him. I guess everything got to much, anyway my parents didn’t help or anything just made me feel like a shit mom because I lost my rag once but yet my mom shouts at him quite often even if he’s just annoying her. I then told them “if you think you can do a better job do it yourself I’ve had enough” and walked out of my parents and stayed at my friends for 2 nights. I didn’t take my child as my friends house wouldn’t be child suitable as the heating is broke, there’s not flooring or anything as they’ve just moved in. Anyway I know I shouldn’t have done that or anything because I feel extremely bad with it all but I think I need some help. I’m not sure who to seek it off but I’ve been self harming myself again (I hadn’t done it for years other than a few months ago) and I tend to punch my leg or whack my phone off my leg when I’m angry.

I would never hurt my child!!! He’s the love of my life and I want to protect and see him happy but seeing mommy stress or hurting herself is only going to make him sad :(

Who would I seek help off? I used to be on anti depressants but they didn’t work so I stopped taking them and just got through it. Itslike every time I feel healed or like I’m doing well I end up relapsing and cutting myself either a few months down the line or a few years.

I just feel so hopeless and worthless like I’d rather be dead because my son shouldnt having me how I am and because me walking out the other day for 2 days I feel terrible. I definitely can not go that long without him again, I made a mistake that day. However hes the only reason I’m still alive now, my hero he is. I feel I burden my parents and annoy them (were waiting for my keys to be handed to me so I can move into my place but they have to check the electrics at the moment to make sure the building is safe) I feel unwanted and like my parents hate me. I almost had a panic attack because my mom was angry with me on the phone earlier. I just feel like everything is getting on top of me

Also I would never have left my child by himself or if I didn’t trust the people! I only walked out and stayed away for 2 days to sort my head out and get back to sort of myself and because he was with my parents, the only people I trust with him! Also I feel somewhat okayish now I have had an actual nights sleep, like I have my

Motivation and patience back but still feel depressed