Holy crap I’m clean and I’ve been clean! For 9 months!

I’m about to share some really shameful stuff. If you want to rip me apart for it go ahead, nobody can be meaner to me than ME so have at it.

I was.. not in a good place around 9/10 months ago. I was hip deep into a full on opioid addiction and didn’t realize it until I started doing extremely shitty things. You have no idea how easy those pills are to find and steal.

I had a family member that died on hospice.

And no, I wasn’t so bad that I took their pain killers and let them suffer in agony and die. No. I waited until they were dead, and took off with half the morphine because hospice comes and destroys the medication their patient was on after they die. And I was like, this is just going to be destroyed, but also i probably shouldn’t take all of it because they have a list of what meds to destroy.

So yeah. I was getting high off a dead family members morphine, It went from norcos to morphine. I was in a lot of emotional pain and i was numbing it with pain killers. I realized that I was addicted, freaked out, thought i was doing to die.

Then I stopped cold turkey and REALLY thought I would die, but didnt. I went through that raw and was really really mean and out of it for about a week or so, I mean all that in between being violently ill.

Then to curb the cravings I actually got into this stuff called Kratom. I don’t consider that being clean though I basically just put a bandaid on my addiction with that, and that’s okay because I did it in a way that I would wean myself off the Kratom. (There’s Kratom stores here and the employees that are passionate about Kratom will actually tell you how to navigate Kratom after cutting off opiates. Bless that dude that helped me. It’s expensive but worth the money.)

I can’t even tell you the last time I had Kratom. I am 110% clean. No Kratom, no pills, nothing.

I have no idea how I did that but hell yeah. Now I’m not scared I’m going to die. That was dark and terrifying.

I don’t feel trapped and doomed. I really can’t explain just how scared I was.

Edited: I want to add that yes I did do this without professional help having no idea what I was doing. I actually asked you guys if I would die if I just stopped cold turkey. Obviously you do not die.

After I got clean I got health insurance and went to a doctor and told him everything and I was sent to a therapist and put on antidepressants. My depression was the reason I got into that addiction in the first place.

So yes I went full circle and told professionals and everything and have accountability

I’m going to give myself some credit from this memory I have from withdrawing. The pull to eat a damn pill was so strong it was maddening, it’s a force to be reckoned with. I know where and how to get it and my body is telling me to go but instead I pace back and forth because I have a goal in mind and it’s to cut this shit out of my life and I paced for hours and screamed at the top of my lungs, vomited, and punched a hole in my wall because I was so damn angry.

I’m little, I’m not shit. But during that week, I was not the one to be messed with. I felt literally insane, my insides hurt like they had been rubbed raw. My brain hurt, and my heart hurt.

I didn’t shower for a few days because I was too busy going insane and withdrawing. Withdraw is hell. Physically, emotionally, mentally, all equal in complete agony. I imagine that if there is a hell, that’s what it feels like.

Never THE FUCK again. It literally makes me mad thinking about how tight that addiction had a hold on me, as if it could make me bow down. As if.