Please send good vibes, prayers, etc...

I’m just really struggling & thought I’d reach out into the universe for some support...

I’ve been dealing with a plethora of health issues over the last few years. Among other things, I was diagnosed with endometriosis & had it removed Oct 2019, was diagnosed with PCOS Aug 2020, & had my gallbladder removed Dec 2020.

In January, I found out I was pregnant. My husband & I were nervous because we’d gone through 3 prior miscarriages, but we tried to be hopeful. I miscarried at 6 weeks (Jan 18th). My OBGYN told me to get some blood work done during my next period & take it to an endocrinologist. Well, my next period never came because I got pregnant again! And then I miscarried right before 6 weeks (Mar 3rd). My OBGYN reminded me to get the blood work done & also scheduled an HSG for during my next period.

Throughout the month of March, I was pretty sick. I had horrible abdominal pain (upper & lower) with no relief. I got a CT w/contrast to make sure I didn’t have appendicitis. The doctors told me it could be my endometriosis growing back. Then last week, I did a barium swallow test which found that my hiatal hernia & acid reflux have gotten worse. I scheduled appointments to talk to my doctors about surgical options for my hernia & esophageal dysmotility as well as possibly another endometriosis surgery. Whenever people asked to confirm I wasn’t pregnant, I responded that there was no way I could be pregnant because my partner & I had been SO cautious to prevent another pregnancy during this time.

I was a little sad over Easter weekend because during my last pregnancy, I’d hoped to tell my family in cute ways involving Easter eggs, and obviously I didn’t get the chance. But I was optimistic because I was looking forward to getting some answers & treatments for some of my health conditions.

When I woke up on Monday, I realized I hadn’t been having PMS symptoms. I’d been really nauseous, but I thought it was from my hiatal hernia/acid reflux. Something told me to take a pregnancy test, & I decided it was a good idea to reassure me that my period would be on its way soon. And what do you know, it was positive. I got another positive yesterday & yet another one this morning.

I am freaking out.

A) How am I supposed to stay positive about this pregnancy when I’ve had 5 losses? I don’t think I could handle a 6th miscarriage.

B) Did I hurt my baby with the procedures I did & medications I took? I was actively trying to NOT get pregnant, I didn’t think for one second that I could get pregnant this cycle, so I thought I would be fine.

C) How am I supposed to take care of my other issues? I’m still in so much pain, & the pregnancy symptoms only make it worse. Plus now I can’t take pain killers.

D) I feel like God is trying to show me He’s in control, but I genuinely don’t understand what the plan is here...

I don’t know how to get through this. I don’t have many people I can turn to, especially who would understand any part of what I’m experiencing (much less all the parts). I just feel alone.