Do I have a right to say something about this. (think my husband was raped)

Question

I haven't really been giving my input to my husband about this situation because it seems more between my husband and his friend. My husband had gotten black out drunk, woke up naked in the back of our car with his wrists bruised, torso, and between his legs all bruised. He said he may have cheated on me but he doesn't remember. Now he is saying he has these pieces of his memory but he wanted to ask his friend if it happened before he said anything. He remembers being in the back of his car and blacking out. Then he remembers saying owe and he saw one if his close friends on top of him holding his arms down. Then he blacked out again. He went to try to ask that friend about his memory and the thing with the messages between him and his friend... He didn't say yes... But he didn't say no... He said things like "I mean think about everything I've ever done for you. You decide if I did that." Telling him "I can't tell you what YOU remembered but think about it and think hard about everything I've done for you and if I would do that because that will say that kind of friend you are." Are something like that... Like if it didn't happen just say no. It all came off like gaslighting and my husband just said he guess he remembered wrong and apologized to HIM. I feel like I should say something because he's been so hung up on it. He's been friends with that guy for a long time. How he said everything just seemed weirdly phrased and gaslighting. Like just say no if you didn't do it. Don't play mind games and tell my husband to decide for himself if he had done that.

Accepted Answer

100%. This is your husband and if he’s talking to you about it, then that’s your opening to suggest or inquire if that thought has crossed his mind.

Answer

It sounds like the friend is trying to convince him it was consensual..... but if your blacked out drunk and don’t remember then how can you consent to that? The fact that your husband was open enough to tell you there was a chance he cheated and he feels confused about what happened means there’s more to this and he needs help figuring it out. This friend of his needs to come clean about what happened and needs to maybe be removed from your husbands life. Because A) he either took advantage of your husbands black out or B) he has no respect for your marriage and got your husband drunk to cheat. Either way he doesn’t sound like a good guy.

Answer

Sounds like the friend is saying they had sex, but it wasn’t rape. It’s like he’s saying I’m your friend, would I do that to you? If that makes sense. He’s saying it was consensual. 
Your husband was obviously victimized in a few different ways and needs to find a safe place to work through this.

Answer

I remember this story from a little while ago. Honestly sounds like his "friend" took advantage of him being black-out drunk and is trying to imply it was consensual sex when it wasn't because your husband didn't consent! It's rape. I wouldn't drop this. Use your voice. Talk to this "friend" and tell him you're going to the police

Answer

If he was blackout drunk, didn’t say yes, and doesn’t remember clearly then yes he was raped. This “friend” is trying to convince him it was consensual. Unfortunately if your husband only remembers bits and pieces it will be much easier for this person to warp what happened and convince your husband to believe it as the truth. All you can do is continue to be supportive of him and not push for information. Let him know you’re behind him with whatever he chooses to do but don’t pressure him to report it. I’m sorry this happened and I hope you two get through this without too much pain.

Answer

How long ago was this? If he is still all bruised i would take photos.

Answer

So many loose ends. I personally would suggest your husband remain sober for some time and reconsider his friend circle. I also suggest he go get tested for stds/hiv/aids etc just in case.

Answer

Yeah if it didn’t happen his friend would be like “WTF no!” And have some explanation for what he was remembering. But from his response that seems like a yes, but he’s trying to imply it was consensual even though it wasn’t and he wasn’t in the state of mind to have consented anyway .

Answer

It really does sound like your husbands friend assaulted him and is trying to warp his reality. That’s truly, truly terrible and I would urge your husband to seek professional help. With that said, I would suggest you as his partner take action without your husbands go ahead. I was assaulted by a friend about a year and a half ago. I really struggled with telling my wife because I didn’t know how I wanted to proceed and I didn’t want her to fly off the handle. And that’s what I told her when I finally told her what happened. It might be the weak way out...but I didn’t want to say anything. I was a chicken. And  if she had made the choice for me, I would have been really upset. So do you have the right to say something, only if your husband is okay with it. I know this might be an unpopular opinion...but that’s my stance

Answer

Please talk to your husband about this. If no other reason than to give him an outlet. There is no telling what is going on in his head. Also, it may feel good to him to hear you validate his concerns.

Do I have a right to say something about this. (think my husband was raped)

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