Journaling ...

YK WHAT SUCKS, BEING WITH SOMEONE AND THEM MAKING YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR A BURDEN. TO HAVE TO “DEAL” WITH YOUR EMOTIONS AND MOOD SWINGS OR ANSWER A CALL. WHAT SUCKS EVEN MORE IS I WORKED MY ASS OFF THIS ENTIRE pregnancy MAKING SURE MY BABY WOULD BE OKAY. NOW THAT I’M UNEMPLOYED AND HAVE NO MONEY MY BOYFRIEND STILL HAS YET TO GET A JOB. WHEN WE ARGUE HE PURPOSELY TRIES TO PICK AT ME AND THE THINGS THAT HE KNOWS WOULD HURT ME TO HEAR, THE WORDS HE KEEPS REPEATING TO ME SINCE WHEN WE FIRST MET. THAT I’M A HOE AND A “THOT BABY MOTHER IN TRAINING” HE DOESN’T EVEN LUST FOR ME LIKE THAT AND IM NOT “MENTUALLY STIMULATING”

OR PERHAPS IT’S THE “IS IT TO LATE TO GET THE ABORTION “ COMMENTS THAT HURT TO HEAR THE MOST. YOU WOULD THINK AFTER HIM VERBALLY AND PHYSICALLY BEING ABUSIVE TOWARDS ME BEFORE pregnancy AND THEN TO HAVE THE AUDACITY TO PUT HIS HANDS ON ME WHILE I WAS 5 MONTHS PREGNANT AT THE TIME AS WELL AND STILL TREAT ME AS HE DOES... IS SAD. I GO ON TIKTOK AND SOCIAL MEDIA AND I SEE THESE HUSBANDS AND BOYFRIENDS WHO ARE EXCITED AND ACTIVELY TRYING TO BE IN THERE BABIES LIFE AND WANTED IT. I REMEMBER COMING OUT OF THE ABORTION CLINIC AFTER STOPING THE PROCEDURE LAST MINUTE AND HIM BEING SO HAPPY AND TELLING ME HE’S GONNA WORK AND DO ALL THESE THINGS AND BE HERE. MY FAMILY HAS BEEN THE ONE TO STEP IN AND HELP, A PROGRAM I’M IN HAS STEPPED IN AN HELP, MY RESEARCH HAS HELPED, THERE’S SO MUCH I’VE DONE ON MY OWN AND THERE REALLY ONLY A FEW WEEKS LEFT. WHAT HAS HE DON’T FOR ME ? AT MOST GIVEN ME $50 TOWARDS THE BABY. I’M GONNA BE STAYING HERE UNTIL I CAN WORK AGAIN AND FIND A JOB. EVEN THE IDEA OF IT TBH IS SAD FOR ME BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO LEAVE MY BABY FOR HOURS AND HOURS. I WISH I COULD BE THAT STAY AT HOME MOM WHO WORKS FROM TIME TO TIME OR AT HOME. I’M 19, WHY DID THIS HAD TO HAPPEN IDK BUT I’M ALSO NOT MAD AT IT, I’M VERY HAPPY TO MEET MY SON SOON, I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH AND I’M JUST ANXIOUS ABOUT THE FUTURE AND HOW EXACTLY I CAN EVEN MEND ANY KIND OF PARENTAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS FATHER WHEN TBH I DON’T EVEN SEE HIM AS SOMEONE I WANNA BE AROUND ANYMORE. I JUST MISS THE FEELING OF BEING LOVED AND WANTED , AND I MEAN GENUINELY LOVED AND LIKE I HAVE A BESTFRIEND. I WISH I COULD HAVE SOMEONE THERE FOR ME. I’VE BEEN THERE FOR HIM AFTER HE HAS HURT ME AND IF THAT DOESN’T SHOW MY CHARACTER THAT. A MAN COULD PHYSICALLY HURT ME 5 MONTHS PREGNANT AND KICKS ME LITERALLY OUTSIDE THE DOOR AND ME STILL GO HELP HIM WHEN HE’S DRUNK PASSED ON, IN THE GROUND IDK WHAT. I WANT MY SON TO BE BETTER AND I WANNA BE BETTER FOR HIM.