I'm literally crying as I type this because this has weighed heavily on my mind for a while now and I hate myself for this.

Before I fully get into this story, let me go back ~10 years. I got pregnant at 17 while in high school by my bf at the time. We were excited to first time parents, but if course our own parents had another opinion. The pregnancy went well enough, the delivery was not so great, but at age 18 I gave birth to a boy on March 16, 2011, @ 1:16 am. However, soon after I developed bad PPD. I loved my boy, but I felt detached emotionally. My bf and I soon started having issues, which started a toxic chain of behavior with us both. After 7 total years of this evil cycle, we split for good in 2016. I had managed to graduate high school, get a trade, hold a couple of jobs, and at least attempt college within the chaos as well as raise my son to the best of my ability.

Flash forward to present day, I've been with my husband for 4 years now, 2 years married. I've had 2 more children with one (or two) on the way. My ex has 2 other children as well and is married to a friend of mine (who is also ironically one of the women he cheated on me with). This past year, I've felt more like my son's egg donor rather than his actual mother. My depression has gotten so bad that I have more bad days than good ones, always teetering on the edge of suicide. Even though I have an antidepressant I take daily, go to therapy 2x a week, and smoke weed (legally!) to curb some of the anxiety, every day is a challenge.

I've realized that right now, as I am now, mentally I can't be the mom my son needs. My other 2 are in state custody (which I will not get into), and that whole situation with trying to get them back has mentally and emotionally left me drained. I love my son, truly I do! But I'm not what he needs. My ex's wife is amazing with my boy, and I know for sure that she'd be able to give him everything that I can't. It hurts to realize that I've essentially neglected him, but it's the truth. I have, and it's time to put things right.

I apologize for the length, but if you've made this far, I truly appreciate it and you are an absolute legend.

EDIT: Thank you to those who've commented so far. I have been struggling with this for so long, and I already feel like a failure as is. I was diagnosed with mild to moderate depression as well as PPD a few months after my son was born, and my mother blew it off like I was fine. I know it's gotten worse since then. If this post ever reaches 10 comments or something like that, I'll share what's happening with the whole CPS case in another post.