Not bonding with baby PPD

Hi everyone… asking for some mom advice

I’m a first time mom of a six month old boy. I have wanted him for many years. I have a good job and happy relationship with his father. We have family for support and a baby sitter too. I have people in my life that give me breaks for self care.

I think I may have postpartum depression. I constantly feel like I’m a bad parent for no reason. I actually feel like my boyfriend and son would be better off if I just drove away. That way my boyfriend could find a woman that could be a better mother to our son. Logically I understand that this does not make sense. It’s just the way I feel.

To make matters worse my son will interact and play with anyone but me. He smiles and laughs with his dad and grandmother, and even tries to coo at strangers.

But whenever I try to talk, play, or sing to him he looks away and avoids eye contact. It hurts me so deeply. It almost makes me not want to be around him because it feels like such a strong and painful rejection.

Has anyone else been through this? I am trying to set up therapy but that has been a nightmare with my insurance. I have seen a doctor. She is checking my thyroid and vitamin d levels as a potential cause for the depression…