I don’t even know how to title this..

I also don’t know where to start so I’m sorry if i sound like I’m talking shit and not making sense. My head is all over the place at the moment.

I don’t know who have seen any of my previous posts but I’ve posted a few times over the past months about the abusive toxic relationship i was in. He treated me like shit and made me feel so worthless i felt like i was nothing to anybody. He hit me a few times over the duration of our 7 year relationship, and always said i was the psycho one and i made him do it. He said i was abusive to him, I don’t think i was tbh. I put up with it for 7 years and started sticking up for myself around the 2 year mark. So him calling me abusive was actually me protecting myself. During the past 2 years of the relationship he started being horrible to my son (previous relationship) and he hated my sons father for no reason whatsoever. My sons father has never done anything to personally offend or provoke him. I don’t know if it was jealousy or not, but he was always horrible behind his back, never to his face. I noticed that when he started treating my son differently, started around the same time our daughter was born. Please don’t make me feel bad for not leaving him sooner. He never harmed my son physically and i was always there to protect my boy, i would fight his corner constantly because he’s my child. I know i should have left there and then but i was weak and stupid, and by then i was so emotionally dragged down and drained I actually believed that i needed him in our lives. I hate myself now for staying, he was shit with our daughter, he didn’t do one single night feed, bathed her about 3/4 times. He had such an easy life with me being at home 24/7 looking after the kids and keeping the house clean, putting hot meals on the table and making sure he always had fresh clothes etc, while he lived a life of luxury, going to the gym, running, playing sports, going swimming, socialising. You name it he was always doing it! I lost myself while trying to keep him happy and he was always calling me a waste of space, lazy, etc. He even told me to go and die. He kicked me out so many times i lost count, he owned the house we lived in and used that to power trip me. He kicked me out 2 days after my father died, when i needed him the most he discarded me like a piece of trash. I was so stupid to go back and i punish myself for that constantly. I also punish myself for letting my kids live in that environment. I finally woke up and moved out 12 weeks ago and my kids are so different it’s unbelievable. The house is filled with fun and laughter which makes me so happy. When i first left my ex wanted our daughter every weekend, that lasted for 3 weeks before he decided he wanted her for just twice a month instead, because apparently he needs to have a life! He was also coming to see her every other day, but now my daughter is lucky if she sees him once a week for an hour! Well i found out today that he has a new girlfriend! She has also met his family so chances are its not exactly a brand new relationship, the bed has been cold for 12 weeks! And hes moved on already. I have no idea how long he’s been with her but it hurts! I don’t know why I’m hurt, but i am. Im also upset for my daughter because it seems he doesn’t have time for her anymore because he’s prioritising his new girlfriend. It was only a few weeks ago he told me he will always love me no matter what, and it was only 2 days before we broke up that he asked me for another baby with him! Then he was the one who broke up with me saying we don’t get on with each other! In other words, i stopped being his doormat and started standing up to him. He hated that, and if i had an opinion that he didn’t like, he would call me names. I just don’t know how to deal with everything anymore.

A massive part of my life has ended, now that he’s moved on so quick its the final closure and it hurts. I wish I didn’t feel this way because he’s abusive! Another part of me is angry because how does he get to move on and be happy after what he put me through. Wheres my fucking happiness!!!