I feel like my crushes always develop into addictions and obsessions, where I end up thinking about the person, dreaming of them, fantasizing about being with them. They also tend to last longer than a year.

I would get butterflies when my crush’s name appears on my phone and would get extremely shy and nervous when they’re around or when someone mentions their name. It’s sooo childish. I understand that it’s childish, but I can’t help it. It’s like crushing messes with the chemistry of my brain. I feel in love. Except.. the other person doesn’t know how I feel about them and probably would reject me if they knew 😔

My latest crush was on a friend. I have been crushing on him for just a little over 2 years. Our conversations have been flirty, and he would always confuse me with his gestures and the nicknames. He would call me “sweetie” and “babe” and would casually throw “I love you” after teasing me. I have contemplated confessing to him, but I was so afraid. I recently discovered that he’s unavailable. I also realized that we are totally different people and probably want different things in life. I obviously am now remaining silent about my feelings towards him and I have even decided to distance myself and avoid talking to him altogether. But I can’t stop thinking about him. He keeps appearing in my dreams and I’ve associated several good songs, places, foods and shows with him. I think he knew I liked him, he liked the attention and the fact that I struggled to communicate my feelings. I think he was leading me on. Because now he’s not bothered by me not communicating with him. It’s like he hasn’t missed my presence a single bit.

I relate to the lyrics of “Good 4 U” “Do I wanna know” and “I hate you, I love you.”

Thinking of him is stopping me from falling for other people, and I feel sad when I think of the time and energy I’ve invested with him in the past. He’s so sweet, he’s not a bad guy. But he’s bad for me. He’s bad for my feelings. And my romantic feelings aren’t going away by me distancing myself. Instead they’re kind of turning to self-loathing, regret and anger 😭