How do you know when you are ready for divorce?

Let me share my story.

I hate porn. I am aware that most of you disagree with me, but I’m not looking for an argument. I’m looking for advice in my marriage (or divorce at this point)

Before my husband and I married, I informed him and of view of porn, and asked him his views, if he watched it, what not. He told me he didn’t watch porn and never had.

Well that turned out to be a huge lie. I unfortunately only found out about his porn usage a couple months into our marriage. Right after we got married we both went on trips that were planned prior to marriage. He went to China, I went to Europe. We were separate about a month. When we got back it was all roses, until I found his journal. I was just curious about his trip. He knew I was reading it. It wasn’t a big deal. I guess he forgot about some of the things he wrote in it. There were multiple pages about the Asian women he saw, and how he thought “it would be so easy for me to get one of these women in my bed” and “if I wasn’t married, I would totally nail all of them”. I go on to read about how he was buying magazines to jack off to. I was devastated. I didn’t see this coming at all. I confronted him about it, but ultimately forgave him.

This was just the first instance. Throughout our five years of marriage I found porn multiple times on his devices. The second time, I found porn on his computer. I wasn’t even searching for anything, it was up as soon as I opened it. We went through a cycle every time this comes up. I find it, I ask about it, he blames me for being too sensitive, comes back apologizes, and we make up.

But this time…it just hit different. He says he doesn’t want to watch porn but won’t do anything to help it. A few weeks ago he was watching videos of women right in front of me. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I asked him about it, and of course, he lied and got defensive. I broke down and have distanced myself for the past few weeks. I told him he has completely demolished my trust. To even begin to regain it he would have to delete the apps on his phone he goes to for porn, and find an accountability partner. He apologized for how he talked to me and hurting me, but hasn’t done even the bare minimum of what I asked.

Since I found it, I’ve slept separate from him. We don’t touch. We talk as though we were friends but there is no intimacy. I’m just beginning to think maybe we should have just stayed friends.I don’t feel like he loves me, or sees me as a priority. There are a few reasons why I’m contemplating a divorce, but this is the biggest thing. Our sex life has always been horrible. Not because of me either. I’ve only refused him a handful of times, where I don’t even ask for sex anymore because of how frequently he denies me.

I just feel so numb. I want to be with a man who loves me and wants me, I just don’t think my husband is it.