To Granny,

Yesterday, without warning, your heart gave up and at the ripe of old of 89, you died.

I wish I could say I will miss you deeply and I loved you unconditionally... But I can't. Instead, your death brings me anger, hurt, guilt and sadness.

I'm angry because last night, all my family had fond memories of you and I couldn't relate. I'm angry because of all the people in the family, you chose to treat me like crap. For every joyful memory my sisters shared, I had an equal one of how horrible you were. Oh, you were kind and bought Melissa cookies and other junk when she was sick? Yes that's kind indeed. Granny, do you remember giving Melissa these treats in front of me and specifically telling her not to share with me because they weren't for me? Granny, do you remember throwing an orange at my head when Melissa made me said, telling me "here, have some Vitamin C"?

Oh and Natasha was sharing how her friends enjoyed your company, you were the fun grandparent. Granny, do you remember chasing me down the passage, in front of all our friends, to hit me hard on the head seven times because Natasha (who was always trying to be the cool one), threw a piece of fruit at me and you happened to see me throw it back at her? I ran from you because you were coming to hit me for wasting food even though I didn't start it.

Gosh and they were saying how you had the softest soul. You probably don't remember, but when I was 9 I missed church because I was sick. You shouted that being sick was no excuse and the next time I missed church for being sick, mom and dad actually told me to hide in their shower so you wouldn't see I stayed home and you wouldn't shout at me again. But you found me, because you snooped in everyone's things when they were gone.

Oh and speaking of your soft heart, do you remember kicking me out the house with Melissa's help, in winter with only a thin long shirt on? You guys opened the door every few minutes to laugh at me and only let me back in a few minutes before mom got home from work so she wouldn't see what you guys had done.

Granny, did you hate me because I was the only one who stood up when you were badmouthing dad?

I'm angry at you Granny. I'm angry because you contributed to my severe depression. I'm angry because when I grew up, I was expected to forget that had all happened. I'm angry because I can remember doing a whole lot for you despite this, and I do not have a single memory of you doing something genuinely nice for me.

I'm hurt because I knew the right thing to do was to treat you respectfully because you were my elder. I took you shopping, I took you out for lunches and brunches, I visited you in the home, I told you I loved you. And all you could do was mutter it back on occasion. You didn't love me. I was the object of your torment. How could you love me. You used me as the butt of your joke, making comments about my looks and my intelligence. Always praising my sisters. Never me. Yet I loved you anyway.

I feel guilty because I'm angry at you. I felt like a monster last night, and still do. I feel like a monster because all my thoughts are consumed by negative thoughts about you. I feel guilty because I can't seem to find any truly nice memories of you. When you were genuinely kind and did something nice, just for me. I remember visiting you almost daily because you were lonely. I remember running home when. you had been hijacked in the driveway. I remember stopping by for lunch because you had no one to eat with. But what did you do for me? There must have been something, but the negatives outweigh the positives so much that I just can't remember.

And finally Granny, I'm sad. I'm sad because I did love you, truly. I'm sad because I will miss you. I'm sad because I don't have the same memories of my family. I'm sad because I feel robbed of having a loving, supportive, kind grandmother. I'm sad that I'm so angry at you. I'm sad that we never had a proper chance to say goodbye.

Rest in peace.