Who should he be loyal to? Wife or daughter?

Question

My MIL and SIL don’t get along. At all.  My SIL claims she was abused and mistreated, and my MIL claims that my SIL lies and is basically a bratty teen even though she is now 45yrs old.  My husband says that they really didn’t get along as he knew it, but he is also oblivious when it comes to the goingons that might be negative. 
My FIL however, unfortunately can do nothing right. MIL is mad cause she feels he didn’t discipline the SIL enough and it was all left up to MIL hense the tension, and my SIL feels like her dad chose her mom over her. 
So my SIL has cut off all contact with her mom and wants to do the same with her dad cause she feels like he chose the MIL because he is not addressed the “alleged” years of abuse (again that my husband has no recollection of) 
My FIL got into a car accident and was in pretty bad shape.  My MIL was really worried he was going to die as we all were, but my SIL was upset that she thought my MIL was making it all about her again.  I had to remind my SIL that she hasn’t spoken to her father in 2 years (properly) and hasn’t seen him in 18+months. If he were to pass away, it would affect the everyday life of her mom, but not her.  Everyone is allowed to hurt and be upset, but I don’t think my MIL is wrong to make it about how much her life is going to change as it impacts her the most. 
BUT thankfully my FIL pulled through. Now my SIL wants to meet him in private and is asking him to lie to his wife when he goes to see her.  He doesn’t want to do that and once again she is upset that he is choosing his wife over his daughter… 
I don’t have a side as they are both a little much for me, but I am curious to know this communities thoughts..

Answer

You do have a side. You’re very clearly biased toward the mother in law. Even put the abuse in quotes. Why would your husband remember it? It didn’t happen to him. I don’t talk to my parents anymore because my dad abused me and my mom made excuses for him. My siblings don’t remember the abuse because again, it wasn’t them that went through it. Calling a victim a liar is gaslighting. SIL has every right to be upset that her father didn’t protect her from abuse and is choosing her abuser over her.

Answer

Husband and wife are one… and sil sounds like she was not properly disciplined by the father and mom was the villain. Sneaking behind spouse… no. Its ok if she wants a relationship with the Dad… but if her intentions were pure why sneak and also not talk to the Dad for years. Sil sounds selfish and entitled.

Answer

Cutting off all contact is extreme. I'm inclined to believe that something was going on in that house. Mother-daughter relationships can be complex. I honestly don't see the big deal with father-daughter reconnecting without the mother there. If she's not comfortable with her mom, she shouldn't be forced to see her. Maybe she is afraid that if the mother finds out that she is hanging with dad, she'll show up. I get that your FIL is caught in the middle & I feel bad for him, but it also sounds like he didn't do much to help the situation either. Spouses are of one, BUT if you're not acknowledging the hurt/pain of your own child, then that's a problem.

Answer

Neither. He should be Switzerland

Answer

How about you don’t get involved. Sounds like sil is setting boundaries for her own well being.

Answer

I know everyone here is like "Husband and wife are one" but I as a parent sure as hell would go behind the back of my husband if that meant the chance to talk to my daughter about the mess that's going on.
I would probably tell him afterwards, but I also have a hard time imagining that we would get to a point where one of us aren't adult enough to try and solve a family problem like this.
How much would I do to keep in contact with my child? A lot. A whole lot actually.

Answer

Husband and wife are one. This is messy and maybe family therapy could help. If I were you I'd stay out of it though.

Answer

You kinda do have a side as you’ve already seemed to have favoured your mil and fil in your post and everything about your sil has been negatively written. So naturally people will think she’s this monster. However there is always another side to every story and there are obviously reasons why your sil behaves the way she does. If staying neutral is difficult for you then stay out completely (and I mean that in a nice way) your sil is 45 years old so the three of them are adults and can work out their problems on their own. There is no need for you to be involved

Answer

This is a tough family dynamic. Both sides of the situation have their own views and justified feelings to an extent.
Your FIL should not lie. However, can he maybe just be honest and firm? Your SIL thinks he is chosing his wife but as you tell the story I'm not sure his real feelings. He should say he is going to see their daughter but she is not allowed to know any details or be involved. This will help your SIL to feel that she is being listened to and that she matters to him.
 Your MIL is right to feel as if her life is effected more but you should never compare pain, it's hard on everyone. 
I'm sorry if you feel overwhelmed by all of this. I really do hope in time things become easier to deal with. Whenever my family has something hard to deal with it always seems to get easier in time one way or another.

Who should he be loyal to? Wife or daughter?

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