Am I wrong for this?

Question

My in laws live about 3 hours away. We invite them often to do things with our kids who are 4 and 2. Sometimes they come and sometimes they don’t. They constantly want us to come visit them. But I most of often decline for a few reasons. 
They live out in the country in a very tiny trailer home. It has a “guest bedroom” but it’s just a pull out couch. There’s no where for our kids to sleep and my mother in law says things like “just let them sleep on the floor with some pillows.” I’m not okay with that. 
The land that they live on is dangerous. The dad is a hoarder (outside) and their 11 acres is littered with old junked cars, appliances, random items everywhere. I can’t let my kids play outside because I’m scared they’ll fall on some rusty metal or glass scattered around the yard. The inside is not hoarded but it’s very dirty. Fecal Stains on the toilet. Food left out. Roaches. Etc. 
Despite being older they have a very teenager lifestyle, they stay up all night and are extremely loud even when we are there. We stayed with them 2 years ago when my son was a baby and they woke him up every night playing music loudly and drinking. 
They are both functional alcoholics. 
My husband says it’s not fair we never visit them and it’s not their fault they don’t have a “big nice house” like my parents. It’s not even about that, but the fact that their home is not a child friendly environment at all. I invite them constantly to come see the kids and they don’t for various reasons. This weekend they are coming to join us at a pumpkin patch. But my husband thinks I’m wrong for judging his parents and their lifestyle when all they want to do is spend time with us at their home. 
What do you think? Am I wrong?

Answer

You are not “wrong” but he isn’t wrong about his feelings either.  Some solutions you guys can do is: 1.) stay at a hotel and visit during the day - don’t stay the night. 2.) you can have a “baby proofing” party where your husband and his parents clean and ready the house for when the kids come. 3.) you guys can send them a text of the kids schedule, and just make sure they know a certain time is considered “lights out” 4.) you guys can meet on neautral ground and make it fun for the kids too, but maybe going “camping” and if they have a space, you guys can have a tent out there.   All you really have to do is make an attempt maybe one weekend in the summer, and one weekend in the fall / winter… it might become a fun family tradition?

Answer

You’re absolutely not wrong!
We have a similar situation with my in-laws. They’re not functioning alcoholics, but they both smoke unfiltered cigarettes and my father In law smokes weed as well in the house so the whole house smells like smoke and there are ashes and cigarette butts all over the floor. They’re also hoarders outside and don’t clean inside.
Our issue is that they live down the street and it’s a 2 minute drive.
Sometimes my mother in law will come over, but she reeks of cigarettes.
They both make passive aggressive comments about how they don’t get to spend as much time with our daughter as my parents do, but I don’t feel bad for not feeling comfortable bringing our one year old daughter to their house.

Answer

Is there a hotel or Airbnb close by you could stay? That way you could spend time but wouldn’t be limited to their house. Just say the family isn’t comfortable sleeping all in the same room and on the floor.

Answer

Nope. Safety first. It’s fine to say you’re just not comfortable bringing them somewhere that has hazards laying out everywhere and that they sleep better in their own beds.

Answer

Could you stay in a hotel near their trailer?
You are not wrong for worrying for your kids. I wouldn’t like to stay at a dirty place.
My Mom has a small apartment although not dirty but is just too crowded for 5 of us there
So we do not stay there when we go to visit

Answer

This is almost my husbands parents too. His mother is functioning alcoholic who chain smokes insider her trailer to the point her youngest son has health issues. You can’t just walk in and walk out without smelling like you’ve spent hours at a Bar. His parents are divorced and for the most part his dad is ok…His mother begs us to bring the kids over all the time. She had come to see our eldest two or three times but that’s it. The rest of the time she says she’s coming and then doesn’t (most likely because she got drunk) and she’s never met our youngest who is about to turn 1. I don’t know how my husband turned out the way he did and I Know it kills him that his kids can’t have a functional loving relationship with at least one of their grandparents but he recognizes the safety issue and after a fight about it last December has quit talking to her entirely. Your husband isn’t wrong for craving those wholesome memories, but he is wrong that it compromises their safety. He has to remember it doesn’t mean there’s less love, but you have to think about your kids and what they’re being exposed to. And if the grandparents want it so badly, they have to be willing to meet in the middle too. Get a dumpster and clean the yard or something. At least show an effort.

Am I wrong for this?

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