he wants a baby but i don’t.

me and my “ex” recently got back together. now he wants to start a family and settle down. i believe him and he is different than before. A good way. he is turning 26 and he is extremely determined that we have a baby. i am 23 and everytime he mentions it i feel a pit in my stomach. we are still having protected sex, he even ask me if i want him to put on the condom or not. of course i always says yes. i’m scared to have another baby, i don’t know if i’m being irrational or not..

a little baby story:

i met my “ex” my freshman year of high school. i put “ex” in quotes bc we never made it official, didn’t go on dates, didn’t have sex it was more of a bond. since high school we never stopped talking for more than 2 months.

we ended up going to the same university, he was on a football scholarship. so we lived in basically two different worlds and he is 2 grades level higher. he was the typical college football “fuck boy” having sex with anyone that would let him. anyway while in college he he was in a relationship and we would still hook up once a while. the first time we ever had sex was going into my second year of college, so 6 years into our “relationship”. he was in an actual relationship so i did go on dates with other ppl. i’m not proud of myself (my karma is below, just keep reading). i

i met someone else and that’s who got me pregnant. my sons father is not the greatest of ppl, his mom died while he was young and he’s been through a lot. he goes to two extremes. he does act of kindness (my love language) i’ll cook, he’ll wash dishes. if i change a dirty diapers does the next one. if i wake up early with baby, he’ll do the bed time routine. i don’t have to ask or make request. he’ll just do it but if i do have to he won’t complain. his sex is great, he’s the only person to make me squirt. his penis is hugggge & he can last long. hands down the best i’ve been with. on the other side of him. he’s toxic. when he upset he says things that will cut to the bone. he’s 26 and have 3 kids by 3 different ppl. the last child was actually only a week younger than the son we share. the mom is someone he knew for a month. he crashed my car and didn’t help me get another after it was totaled. when i am not having sex with him or “playing” this role. i am a single mother, it’s like out of sight out of mind with him concerning my child. i moved to get away from him mostly, and now he sees my son 2 times a month at most and calls for like 15mins every two weeks. im raising him myself.

what does all this have to do with my “ex” wanting a baby ? well i’m traumatized from everything that happen with my son’s father. i’m freaked out of having another child to take of and I feel like another child = less i can give for the child that I already have. not only thing but deep down I think i still have feelings for my ex. I don’t know if it’s the sex, the fact that we have a son that we should try to fix things for or that i actually still care about him. i know for a lot of people the him having a baby on me will be a deal breaker but it’s weird my “ex” feel like I always had a baby on him… even though he was in a relationship. so it’s like i can’t deny a child that was made on me if i wouldn’t want my “ex” to deny my child.

my ex is not bad with my son but he just doesn’t have that “touch”. sometimes he looks at me son & i can see the heartbreak in his face. he isn’t over the fact that my son isn’t his and sometimes i question if he will ever love my son like i do. i don’t want to have another baby and have a forever bond with someone who feel like that