I’ve never had a super great relationship with my in-laws though I feel like I’ve tried to be a part of the family but it’s almost like well I don’t know but it just never feels right when I’m with them. I honestly don’t even think I care so much about having a relationship with them but I know it matters to my husband who wants us all to have a good relationship. My brothers in law are great. My sister in law I think tries occasionally. My mother in law not so much. With her we’ve tried. Whenever we invite her over she has an excuse. She’s usually at my SIL’s or she’s just “too busy.” She doesn’t work. She doesn’t volunteer anywhere, she doesn’t even cook meals unless there’s a party - I honestly don’t know what she’s so busy doing that she can’t come see us but shes been to our house just 3 times for a quick stop by since we married 4 years ago. She’s told my husband she isn’t comfortable at our house and that she doesn’t like to come over, but won’t say why. But she expects us to be at her beck and call and come for dinner 3x a week, my FIL cooks these usually. And we are expected to be at every single cousin and aunt and uncles birthday. Every. Single. Time. If we don’t show up it’s because we “don’t love them”. So we go to not upset the family balance. I looked once because I was convinced I was overreacting but there are literally 3 weeks in the year that there isn’t a family birthday party and don’t even get me started on the “reunions”. We even went to my husbands grandmas sisters family reunion once…. And we just sat there and ate the food because we didn’t know anybody and grandma and her sister had both passed away, but my in laws wanted us there so we were. Like we are always with them.

Anyways so my sister in law invited me to go out with her for an evening. Dinner, pedicures and a movie. I was thrilled because both her and my mil always say to me “we went and did X” and then “I guess we should have invited you” or they go during the day when I’m working and get upset when I can’t go…. Because I’m working…. They say things like “you never do anything with us” as if I’m purposely slighting them when they call me at 10:00am to go to pedicures at 11:00 and I’m at my job.

Anyways I agreed to go and was looking forward to it, just me and her and an opportunity to bond. She texts and asks an hour before we go if MIL can come and of course I say yes because why would I say no? I was actually excited because I thought they were finally making an effort. So we’re standing in line to order dinner and my MIL starts a hushed conversation with my SIL. Like they’re actually whispering in front of me with their backs to me. They order their food and my MIL pays for theirs and they walk off and leave me standing there to order and pay for my own food. When I get to the table they continue this whispered conversation that went on forever. My MIL is such a gossip she’s usually talking about people I don’t know or care about so I don’t often listen anyways I just give a few listening cues every so often and she just keeps talking. Even if I try to insert myself she talks over me. So I was half done with my food before they even seemed to remember I was there but by then it was just supremely awkward.

So then we go for pedicures and again my MIL pays for my sister in law. I mean honestly I was planning to pay for myself when it was just me and my sil going but I just felt like it was pointedly rude of my mil to pay for my sil and not even offer to pay for me? If it had been me, my mom and my sister in law - if anything my mom would have paid for my sister in law if she couldn’t pay for both of us.

So then they pester me about when I’m going to get pregnant. We are ttc but I didn’t want to give them that ammunition so I just said that we’d have a baby when the time is right. In another side conversation with my sil she said that I “must not even want kids” because we’ve been married so long and aren’t pregnant yet. She says this as if I’m not sitting right there trying to hold back tears. She then tells me that if I ever stop “being selfish and give her more grandkids I will need to take lessons on child care from my sil because she has 2 kids already and obviously I won’t know how to even change a diaper”. That’s a direct quote. (I worked in a daycare for 10 years and have many nieces and nephews and she knows that).

When we got to the movie theater her card wouldn’t work so I offered mine up, it ran. I know it was stupid of me but I was still trying to make this work. So I paid for the tickets minus a $3 gift card my sister in law had presented. Because my SIL gave the gift card to me to “use” my MIL gave cash to my SIL to again pay for both of their movie tickets when in reality I had paid for all of them minus $3.

By the end of the night I just wanted to cry. And I did when I got home. I climbed in the shower and just sobbed. I felt like I was either being verbally attacked or psychologically pushed aside, I was ridiculed, I felt so violated with their conversations and all of it I had to endure without my husband which doesn’t make it better it just makes it so I’m not alone. I wanted so badly to call my husband and have him come pick me up but he had been so excited for me to go I didn’t want him to know I was miserable. I feel like I can’t say anything because they just get upset and say that things didn’t happen or they didn’t mean it or even say it. I can’t even begin to describe the sick knot in my stomach that happens every time we have to see them. I absolutely dread going over to their house just because of the way we are treated. It upsets my husband too but he also feels like he can’t say anything and we’re stuck in this awful cycle.

There’s no other way to describe it - it just feels toxic.

Am I wrong??

Sorry for the long post. Thank you for reading!