Trigger warning ⛔️ I think I was raped by my bf…

Ok i feel embarrassed sharing this and I hope I can have the right guidance.

Idk who to tell because my mother doesn’t know I’m sexually active. Please no rude comments against my mother. She’s very conservative and I respect her views. I’m afraid she will see me different because I’ve been having sex behind her back. She knows I’m dating my bf of 5 years and she “thinks” we are waiting till marriage.

This actually happened last week. I wasn’t going to get my birth control until today. I told him last week if we can wear a condom. He told me he would pull out. I didn’t trust that method and told him to please wear the condom. He was so mad ….he told me “fuck your condoms” so I told him I couldn’t do it. He told me to leave his home. He threw my clothes on the floor. Then he grabbed me again and started kissing me. I told him “please wear it” he didn’t and he slid his tip inside for about 2 strokes. He saw me shaking and he withdrew and told me “alright just get out of here”

I was crying. Hes been crying and begging to please forgive him. He said I never said no and I didn’t say no. I said “I can’t do it without the condom” he said that after he told me to leave I just stayed quiet and kissed him back. It’s true. I let him go inside me but I was shaking a lot

To be honest I can’t remember shit. I was numb at the moment….