ive done this before. but every time ive gone to the hearings, ive frozen and taken it all back because for some reason i feel guilt. why would i feel guilt for his own consequences? because im stronger than him. thats the only thing i can figure. im strong enough to take this pain for all these years and survive it, im strong enough to strive for growth despite him, strong enough to forgive him and forgive him and forgive him, to love until it aches and destroys my whole world, and im strong enough to put it back together. deep down i have to know that. or i wouldnt be here. this time its different. this time i changed my number. no more anonymous calls triggering me until i change my mind. this time ive embraced that i want nothing about him and everything about myself. i want myself more. this time i slept well and felt beautiful in the mirror. and it shocked me. i didnt realize the power id put on. i carry so much fear as well, but now i can point to it, i can give it a name. i can stop calling it love. loyalty. passion. acceptable.

i was so afraid to be alone. i was afraid of him, and i was afraid of my own judgement. afraid of condemning something that became a part of me for so long. but i love me more. i love me more. my rage, my pain, my trauma, deserve my effort. not him. i can do this.