On January 11th 2022, my wife and I went to what was supposed to be a very uneventful 37 week prenatal appointment. Very quickly, our entire life and what we’d been planning for all these months changed as we knew it. He had left us far too soon.

We went home and back out to the hospital for an immediate induction. After two days of cytotec and a few hours of pitocin, midwives broke my water. 3 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing brought our sweet sleeping baby boy into this world. A nuchal cord robbed my wife and I of what I know would’ve been the sweetest soul we’ve ever known.

I’m so lost, the days go by so quickly and I’m back in bed again. I have good days and bad days. All I want is to hold my baby again and care for him the way I should’ve been able to. It’s so hard to wrap my head around the last 9 months having happened at all. My stretch marks, that I wear with pride, are my single permanent reminder that our Finley Luke was very very real.

This entire experience has opened our eyes and shook us of all of our fears about being parents. He is our boy and we were meant to be his parents, and as terribly as we wish he got to be here with us to show us, we’re just all the more determined to give him a brother or sister to soak all that same love and purity into.

My wife and I never thought this would be the way our first pregnancy journey would end, but it’s made us closer than we ever thought possible. I’m optimistic for our future TTC journey. This is the first time I’ve written about everything that’s happened anywhere, and I’m hopeful it brings me the peace I need to start this process all over again.

I love you, my sweet baby boy. I miss you forever. Thank you for making me a mother, my ultimate dream.