So I’ve been depressed lately

A little backstory. I’ve been depressed for a while. A couple of years. I was on antidepressants for a couple of years as well but I stopped taking them a few months ago and found out I was doing better without them. At first it started as I was too sad to take them then I seemed to feel better without them. Then the worst thing happened. My mom passed away. I’m 18 years old almost 19 this august. She passed away in October of 2021. Everyone in my family knew she was was in the hospital a few days before I did. And when I was able to see her she was sedated and had a ventilator attached to her. It was heartbreaking. I woke up with a call from my aunt and she said that I could come down if I wanted to. (My mom and I haven’t had the best relationship. Rough childhood but she made it the best she could for me. Even with all her abusive relationships. She made my childhood okay even though looking back on it she was struggling) I called my bf crying that day that I needed a ride to the hospital. I went down with my bf. He was there for me the entire time helping me whenever I needed him. A few hours after I went and saw her. I was holding her hand and my uncle asked the nurse if she thought she was going to make it and she said probably not. That hurt to hear. I left with my bf to collect my bearings and go home and let my dog out. Then I got a call that my mom was passing. We drove down and me my bf and a few other members of the family were there. I watched my mom pass in-front of me. I watched her heart rate slow. Then go out. They made it painless for her. And I’m glad it was for her. She had a heart infection and the only option we had was to pull the plug. I was the next in line. Since I was 18. I was forced by the state to make all the big decisions regarding her passing. I’m mad at myself the last thing I said to her was mean. I was planning on reconnecting in a few months after I got my license. It was going to be a big surprise. I was going to pick her up and take her for breakfast and show her my new car. I’m just upset with myself. My family also doesn’t let me feel the grief. Every time I say that I’m struggling they tell me that they have it harder then I do. Since my grandmother lost her kid. Her other two were there to comfort her in these past months. And I have been struggling more. When I feel sad she tells me I have no right. Or that I’m wasting tears on someone who isn’t here anymore. I aged out of my therapists office and am currently waiting to get transferred over to another one. I just. Needed someplace to rant.