A year on and still...

7 years in a bad relationship. 7 years of feeling worthless, being called names. 7 years of loving someone who hurt me physically, mentally and emotionally over and over again.

But you see, there were a lot of good times in with the bad times, so maybe he did love me after all. But then he kicked me out and got with his current girlfriend, she now lives in my old house. I had to start again, rebuild from scratch

1 year on, on the whole I'm definitely happier. I know I'm better off this way. He wasn't a nice person and I have no doubt in my mind that he'll treat the new one the same. I almost feel sorry for her but then I don't, because it turned out they were meeting while I was still in the picture. He can't be on his own see, he always has to have someone. I decided to stay single to work on myself and the emotional and mental mess I became while with him. I feel a huge difference in myself in just 1 year, I've worked hard to get to where I am today, and I know it can only get better from here on.

So why do I still love him? After everything he put me through, the way he made me feel, why would I still love someone like that? And I can't even explain what type of love it is because it's weird, I'm definitely not in love with him, I don't miss my old life, and I 100% would never ever want to be with him again. But it's this love for him that is stopping me from going forward. If I start getting interested in someone I pull back because I still feel loyal to him. I owe him shit! I know this, I wish I could get past this. I love my life at the moment and I love that I no longer have to walk on eggshells, I'd love to wipe him completely out of my life but we have a daughter so he's always gonna be in the picture. Am I trauma bonded? How do I break it (please don't suggest therapy because I can't afford it)