25 weeks and craving a cig 😭😭

It took me awhile to quit smoking, which is not something I’m proud of at all (hence the anonymous post). It was a combination of stress from my unplanned pregnancy, and when I would talk to my OB about smoking cessation I would just get a lecture on how I “clearly don’t care about my child” instead of actual ways to help me quit. None of this is to say I’m not responsible. I certainly made a bad decision, for months, over and over again, and that is entirely on me. I’m just saying that I did want to quit, that’s all.

I quit at 13 weeks and haven’t had one since. Honestly it wasn’t quite as hard to quit as I thought, which was a pleasant surprise. And at my 18 week anatomy scan, my baby boy was measuring a little big so SO FAR (I say this because I am aware that things may arise, I have definitely done my fair share of Googling) he hasn’t been affected by my decisions.

I’m now 25 weeks and 2 days, and genuinely haven’t even thought about having a cigarette for like almost three months. Today, it’s kind of all I can think about. The only thing actually stopping me from swinging down to the gas station and grabbing a pack is the fact that I am visibly pregnant. And that doesn’t sit well with me! I should want to not buy a pack because I know the consequences. I should want to not buy any because I do very much love and care about my son.

I have a therapist and normally I would 100% talk to her about it but she’s on vacation. I also don’t really have friends and if I talked to my boyfriend (my child’s father) about it, he would just get mad. If I talked to my mom about it she would say that she smoked all through both of her pregnancies, and even my sister had an occasional cigarette during her pregnancy.

I don’t want to be enabled because I know I’ll hate myself even if someone says it’s OK. I don’t want to be judged and have someone actually mad because as much as I deserve it, I’m afraid it would push me into caving.

I don’t know what to do to get my mind off of this so that I can make the healthy choice.