Relationship Advice? Solo pregnancy

This may be a bit disjointed, so bear with me. Happy to edit and add clarification...

I am a fiercely independent and eternally single woman... while I've never found it hard to date, I have not found someone interesting enough to have a serious relationship.

I have always wanted to be a mother, so in 2021, at age 35, I went down the path of using donor sperm to fall pregnant. I had success in falling pregnant and my fun single social life changed to a quieter home life.

With the change in social circle, and maybe pregnancy hormones, I was looking for companionship and intimacy. I dipped my toes back into the dating pool and met someone lovely while 13 weeks pregnant (January).

We went on a few casual dates and I got to know an honest, moral, genuine family man who communicated openly.

At 19 weeks (February), I lost my son. It turned my life upside down and I was devastated.

This lovely man was wonderful and supportive throughout.

He was looking for more than companionship, but starting a relationship was not something I felt I had the capacity for while healing / grieving. I shut down completely and struggled to communicate.

I wasn't ready to open my heart. I didn't want to depend on him for happiness. And I certainly didn't want more loss in my life.

I simultaneously pushed him away while keeping the friendship and receiving an immense amount of emotional support. I felt like I was brutally honest at the time and allowed him to opt out. He stuck around.

It turns out I have leant on this man a lot in the past few months and I realised recently that I would be upset if he wasn't part of my life.

Since losing my baby, I have been focused on moving forward and trying again. We haven't spoken about this in depth, but it has been touched on multiple times since April. I had been waiting for my cycles to be regular before going back to my fertility clinic to try again.

I let him know about my feelings a week or 2 before I was due to try again. He had mixed feelings, but wouldn't elaborate. He was supportive and agreed that even if we officially became a couple, we were not going to be ready for our own children any time soon.

Today was the day for me to try again.

He has pulled away from me since I told him about my feelings. I called to speak about trying again earlier this week, prior to my procedure. He didn't answer and has been busying himself with work. I'm feeling super anxious and want to discuss to see where things stand - even if the outcome is closing the chapter.

So here I am, crying myself to sleep, simultaneously wanting to become pregnant and not wanting to be alone.

Part of me needs to vent and get this off my chest. The other part of me wants unsolicited advice from strangers on the internet. Please be gentle, I'm feeling fragile 😘