Why did you get a divorce?

Question

I'm curious as to why you got a divorce from your spouse? I have been back and forth with this for a couple years now but more so lately. He has mentioned it also when doesn't get his way. I just feel honestly done but it makes it so hard with us having a child and another on the way. I'm scared to be a single mom and always wanted my kids to grow up in a healthy family but as much as we hide our issues from our son I am just so tired of always pretending I'm happy. Im not even sure I love him anymore. We have been together for 14 years started dating in 8th grade. I'm really starting to think our relationship has ran its course but have a feeling if we split he will also split from our kids lives especially the new baby. I just don't know what to do anymore. There are times we are great and I think this why we stay married then there are times I think why am i even with him and allow him to talk to me any way he wants when i know I don't deserve it. I'm honestly just so lost.

Answer

It started with cheating with prostitutes and continue the entire marriage. He then became abusive verbally and then eventually physically. He controlled my entire life. Tracking me, cameras in every room of our house watching me. He even was signed into my Apple account. He controlled my entire life. I got to the point where in 2019 the violence had got really bad. He burnt the skin off from the waist down by throwing boiling water from the kettle all over me and then he ended up choking me into an consciousness and finally he stabbed me in front of my children. On 8 March 2020 I called my mum crying after that incident saying I was too scared to call the police and that he had run from the house because he was afraid. I didn’t realise my mum‘s phone was on speaker and she was at work. The truck driver who overheard the conversation phone to the police and the police came out. Sad to say I was so afraid and brainwashed that I still wasn’t going to call the police. Looking back now I’m extremely grateful for what that truck driver did that night because he absolutely saved me when I was too afraid to do it myself.
I did everything I could to make him change, beg him to stop etc he guilted me into thinking I was the problem and that I had to do all of these things to change and prove to him that I was better. When in actual fact after 9 years I’d done all I could. 
So glad to be out

Answer

I didn’t WANT the divorce. He did. We had been married for around 6 years and he, unbeknownst to me, had started an emotional affair with a coworker. He tried to say it wasn’t cheating because he’s already checked out of the marriage. He moved out for several weeks to pursue the relationship before finally realizing that he wanted to stay with our family. He came home and I took him back, like an idiot. He was unhappy that I hadn’t basically thrown a party at his return, but I was maintaining routines for our (at the time) 3 kids. 
We were already in counseling, so we tried to work through it. He even knocked me up again (our therapist said he had done so to trap himself and remove the decision from his hands). Tried to get me to terminate but I was adamantly against it. We had a fight while I was pregnant and he told me something along the lines of “I’ll give you 6 months after the baby is born, then I’m gone.” Wish I’d kicked him out then… 
Six months after our fourth child was born, he got an apartment about an hour away. He had relationships during our “separation”, while we still were trying to work things out. Lost his job because of the relationship. 
At one point, he came home and told me he wanted to try again. Started wearing his wedding ring, which he hasn’t worn in years. It was going really well until one of his girlfriends reached out. I told him that we were working on things and he needed to cut her off, stop responding to her. He decided to respond so I asked him to leave. Stupidly, I agreed to continue therapy and working on our relationship. 
Even after I got a job 1300+ miles from where we were living at the time, and began the process of moving and getting the court’s permission to do so, we were still “working on things”. 
I moved, started work, and we continued to “date”. He’d stay with me when he visited. 
Basically, he strung me along until he found a replacement. They’re getting remarried. I’m finally free of his influence. Me and my kids are doing really well. He’s been a fair weather father since he got with his new girl, but my kids are ok with it. They don’t like the choices he’s made and don’t want to spend as much time with him, but they have a really amazing and supportive family system (including my friends) around them.

Answer

I have very strict boundaries now but I didn't before because I didn't think I needed them. I thought I was with someone that would just never hurt me the way he did. I was with my ex-husband for almost 9 years, we started dating in 9th grade. But I divorced him due to domestic violence and overall being disrespectful to me. I now know for future relationships though that if at any point I am unhappy for months at a time or getting suicidal because of the relationship, any boundaries are broken, I'm being lied to, etc. I know to just end the relationship no matter how much love I have for the person and no matter what my hopes are for the future. I no longer need proof that something is going on, I no longer need explanations when I feel I am being mistreated. I just put myself first from the start of any new relationship and go with my gut feeling. Honestly, that's always the best thing to do. If your gut is telling you staying together will just drag things out... Maybe it's time for a divorce. I had that feeling for years with my ex and ignored it for as long as I could until I was just broken down as a person. Don't let that happen to you! 
I know it's also scary to start over but it's always worth it in these types of situations. (Obviously in healthy relationships with healthy conflict, divorce shouldn't be jumped to.) I met my current boyfriend just a month and a half after I separated from my ex-husband and we have been together for a year and a half now. He's honestly the most patient, kind, and understanding partner I have ever had. He is always calm, never gets annoyed or angry. He doesn't say one thing and do another. We have never had a fight or serious argument before; anything we disagree on we talk through like adults and learn from the differences we share. Any insecurities we face, we just communicate about it and help each other through it. It's a great feeling, honestly. Everyone deserves a love and partnership like this instead of one where there's constant bickering, judgment, anger, hate, etc.

Answer

My first husband and I got married when I was 19, he was 20. 
I had just gotten out of a relationship with an extremely abusive man when I was 18, so this was the first person I dated since then & he was the sweetest guy. We were actually best friends before we started dating, then a few months into dating I found out I was pregnant so we got married. 
We were young, didn’t know what the hell we were doing, and once the baby came we kind of just became like roommates. 
Neither one of us were happy & we realized we were just young and dumb. 
He said some pretty terrible things to me when we decided to split, which kept me from ever wanting to work things out with him. 
I’ve been remarried for almost 2 years with an amazing guy & my ex and I are on really great terms as far as co-parenting.

Why did you get a divorce?

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