Something I will never admit to anyone around me

I had a 7 year relationship end two years ago.

Everyone thinks that I’m over it and honestly I don’t think I am because sometimes I still think about the fact that we were together 7 years and he just up and left me for another woman. It was literally the opposite of what usually happens, he left me for a much older woman and she was married.

I’ve been in other relationships and been cheated on in them too. That pain did not compare to the 7 year relationship ending.

That was a long time spent with someone who literally just up and abandoned me out of nowhere and I think it deeply traumatized me. I just don’t understand how he could do that to me. I don’t want him back, to be honest he was a complete ass the majority of the 7 years and my biggest regret is letting it go on for so long. He cut all contact with me for her.

There’s been no contact for 2 years.

And I don’t understand at all why it still hurts so bad and keeps me up at night. That was a lot of my life that was just waisted and now I’m in my mid 20s trying to figure out how to find someone who won’t just cheat on me. I feel like my life is an actual joke and the goal of marriage and kids is laughable. I’m almost 30 years old, single and childless. I wish I could go back in time and tell him to fuck off.