Feeling guilty

For being human and having human thoughts.

I’m currently on super strict bed rest. Stuck lying on my back in a hospital bed.

I had an intense rescue cerclage placed and now just waiting to see if it’ll hold. Taking it 1 day at a time.

With this I’ve been laying around preparing for the worst and thinking about the pros and cons if the worst happens. I’m only 19+5 so if my water breaks, I have to deliver and say goodbye.

I hate that part of me wants the easy way out and not have to be put up in a hospital bed possibly for months. I hate thinking that if it happens today, then I might be home for my daughters 1st birthday. That if it happens I’ll get to home to be with my daughter. That if it happens I can get back to a “normal” life sooner.

I, obviously, want this baby boy to make it and complete our family. We are doing everything we can to keep him here.

I can’t go through this again no matter the outcome. Im coping with the idea of never being pregnant again. We wanted 3 children. Now we will be done with 1 or 2… fingers crossed for 2!

It’s a super shitty position to be in. I don’t wish this on anyone.

My husband hates seeing me like this. I’m the optimistic one. I’m the look on the bright side kind of gal. I’m also a prepared and planner so my brain is conflicted.

For as much as I love pregnancy and babies, pregnancy does not love me.