I want to end my marriage but I feel guilty doing so because I don’t have a ‘real reason’ to

Sorry for the long read but I am looking for some really serious advise, my mind is at a point of complacency but a very small part of me feels otherwise and I am afraid I won’t listen to that small part.

I’ve been with my current partner for 3 years. It’s been high and low and I’ll try to give you the breakdown. We started dating around 2019, it was long distance - 5 hour drive. We used to drive to see each other but I did drive more to see him than he did me. I did mention it from time to time but he would always brush it off and deny it. I still went to see him more regardless. We broke up 4 months in simply because I wasn’t really feeling him, the emotional connection wasn’t there on my end. After taking a month apart, he started reaching out to me to try again, he was persistent, treated me well and seemed committed. That’s when I fell in love with him so we got back together. During the 1 month apart, I was seeing someone who I slept with and I told him before we decided to resume things. He on the other hand didn’t tell me about someone he slept with and I later find out. Nbd since we had broken up. Few months later I find out he cheated. He slept with his friend gf and the friend was upset and told me about it. I was very hurt, but he apologized profoundly and did all the right things to make me trust him although he didn’t really want to talk about the topic more than once. I would bring it up for reassurance ( not constantly, just within the first month) but he always shut it down with ‘why are we still on this issue’. Moving forward, I was still angry and hurt but I loved him so I stayed, I would occasionally burst during arguments. He sees me as someone whose ‘sensitive’ or ‘dramatic’ so he doesn’t really pay attention to my outbursts. I also want to mention that he had so many women on IG who would comment on his IG with flirty comments and he would do the same as well. It used to be a constant problem but he would always call me insecure. Also, I later found out that he had lied about his ex saying that she was a coworker. I had suspicions about her but he would always say I’m insecure, and if i’m being honest, I am a little insecure. At some point he even broke up with me saying I’m toxic for following the girl on Instagram and this was way before I knew she was an ex, they still dated/talked part of our relationship and even slept together while were having issues at some point. The issue was I got pregnant, and I had an abortion (it was my choice, but hurtful nonetheless.) he was so unsupportive during this time coz we were had an argument (can’t remember the argument) and it that was the time he was sleeping with the ex he lied about being a coworker. I had a friend who supported me whole through and after some time apart he came back saying we had broken up. I told him how hurtful it was and he would say things like what are you talking about I didn’t hurt you. And this was more hurtful that the cheating. Please note, the aborting happened before the cheating.

Anyways moving forward, he seemed like he changed as he had given me his phone password and was being more transparent with me and he started posting me on SM. People grow and change so I was like people deserve a second chance esp when they admit and know what they did was wrong but I was still feeling unease about the relationship and I was contemplating on whether I should stay or go. [I never shared these thoughts with him] He was then accused of sexual assault (we were dating during the time of the assault, so yes he cheated) but he said we had broken up and I was treating him badly. Which I was, because I was not talking to him, and no I was not seeing anyone else . He has a pending court case for September. I broke it off, but I felt so so guilty to be leaving him at such a moment because he was genuinely going through a lot and he did not know that I was contemplating things. I didn’t want to seem like the bad guy for leaving him at his lowest moments. And no, he is being falsely accused, it was a one night stand (please believe me on this one ) he begged me to stay, and I did.

We the got engaged a few months later and had a court wedding because he’s not a citizen and was advised it would help his case if he was married so my family doesn’t know I’m married but they know that I’m engaged. So I got married in secret. This is becoming too long but I could go on. I feel like I could go on, I do regret marrying him in secret and I feel so entangled especially now that families are involved . And when I tell him I feel bad about the way we got married he says I’m ruining the foundation of our marriage with my thinking. He was planning on us getting married eventually, just not now. He was always talking about marriage and kids when we were dating although I felt liked he wasn’t emotional mature enough for one, and me as well.

I do feel emotionally heavy, angry and frustrated but he doesn’t like having those conversation especially ‘about the past’ and it’s making me feel so resentful. He’s a better man now however, and he’s worked hard and is committed to me, we’re living together now. He has an avoidant personality so he does not initiate the important conversations unless I bring it up to him so it feels like I am nagging him. I know I should leave, but he has introduced me to his family and they are all excited for us to get married (they know about the court case) and my family is excited too but they do not know about the court case or the secret marriage. I feel like its a lot of work to break up and I feel like I would need to explain to a lot of people and given how far we have come, what’s the reason of breaking up? The infidelities happened two years ago, no signs of them and I have gotten past it, so thats not the reason for the break up. We have strong family values from both ends so I know they would encourage us both to work things through which is a tough huddle. He also does not want to end things because we’ve come so far and he’s a changed man. He is a changed man tbh. Our relationship is peaceful, we don’t overly fight or scream at each other, but we don’t have overly meaningful conversations either. Am I just getting used to the situation that it doesn’t seem that bad anymore? I don’t know what to. Please help.

This is a side note, we’re living together now and I do like 90% of the household chores and the barely does anything and when I mention it to him he says things like - oh so I don’t do anything ? Ok, I don’t do anything, that’s good too know that you don’t appreciate me. He does like 10% which is not enough and I’m so frustrated with the cleaning and cooking laundry and everything else. Finances are 55 (him) and 45 (me) so it feels like I do a whole lot. And when I even mention this to him he says in a relationship you should not weigh or count the amount of things you do. Which is true I guess ?

There’s two sides to a story and his main complains about me are; I complain too much, I get angry too often and I don’t respect him (which is true to an extent)

I’ve really poured out my feelings and If you’ve made it this far, thanks you. The situation feels like it’s not that bad, and who leaves a partner over household chores. Aren’t women expected to do more anyways? I really don’t know anymore tbh. I’m also scared that I might not find anyone.